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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Surgical Precision

Chewbaca looking good!
I’ll be taking some time off as I recover from a botched nose job. The cute little button of a nose that came with the last surgery fell off the other day while I was swinging a five iron. My golf partner stepped on the old nose with his cleats so the surgical team had to construct a new nose for me from some calluses on my feet. The new appendage isn’t as smooth as I would like, and athlete’s foot on my nose is now a distinct possibility, but I think that I look hot.

I highly recommend plastic surgery to all of you who are now less than perfect. Are there drawbacks? Yes, there are some drawbacks. Last month I went in for a bit of liposuction. Just before I went under anesthesia I was talking to the doctor about the great set of cans on one of the orderlies in the operating room. He must have misunderstood me in my semi-intoxicated state because I woke up with a slim waist and a set of 36d beauties. They were fun while they lasted, but I was getting assaulted every day in the gym locker room. Guys are such pigs. It cost me over ten grand to have the breasts turned into pec muscles. I look super buff, but my nipples are the size of drink coasters. Whadda ya gonna do? Nipple reduction surgery, of course.

I got a little collagen injection in my lips to make them look fuller. The new lips were nice, but I thought that I could do better. I had the doctor take some tissue from my butt to add even more fullness to my lips. My lips looked great, but my butt was a little flat. The plastic surgeon took more calluses from my feet, along with tissue from some non-essential internal organs, and made a great looking new butt. The new butt made my calves look too small. No problem, I thought. Cosmetic surgery to the rescue.

The problem was that I was quickly running out of body tissue to move around on the old carcass. I only wish that I had saved all of the tissue they took from my original nose. Christ, they must have hauled that away in a wheelbarrow. You don’t really need two kidneys, everyone knows that. I think my new heart is more efficient ever since the doctor removed three chambers and used the tissue to make my cheeks look higher. Did you know that the lower intestine is about 30 feet long? Not mine, mine is only six inches. We used the excess intestine to fill in those wrinkles around my eyes. I hope they washed it first.

Just when I thought I was going to have to settle for a “me” that was slightly less than the ideal I had envisioned for myself, I read about something that the Hollywood stars have been doing for several years. I adopted a small child that I use for spare parts in my extreme make-over. The kid doesn’t seem to mind that I sawed off his right leg, but I’m really not sure how he feels because he doesn’t speak English. Get over it, I’m your father. I mean, how many legs does it take to detail my car? Call me an indulgent parent, but next time I’m going to let him pick which body part we take off.

Sure, doctors aren’t perfect. They are human. They sometimes make mistakes. I wanted a little dimple on my chin and I was willing to pay top dollar for it. I came out of surgery and looked in the mirror. “Doc,” I said, “I wanted a dimple on my chin, not a vagina.” I’m usually not a big stickler for details. I usually don’t demand “surgical precision,” but when it comes to actual surgery that probably isn’t such a bad thing. Not a big problem, we filled in the crack with toe nail clippings and some scabs. Now I think that I look like Jude Law.

After 27 elective cosmetic surgical procedures, I have completely exhausted my financial resources. I am far from happy with my appearance. If anything, I am more disappointed than ever when I look in the mirror. In an effort to save money, I’ve started wearing those fake glasses, nose, and moustache things. I think they make me look fat. What do you think?

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