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Friday, August 05, 2005

Breaches in Cell Phone Etiquette Haikus

We will probably never agree upon a general set of rules for the public use of cell phones. My recent post on cell phone rules drew more ire than praise. The fact that my own views are puerile and baseless has never kept me from spewing forth. I welcome all of you to join into the fray. Take a minute to write a haiku about how you feel about cell phones, or how you feel about know-nothing blow-hards like me. Go ahead, I can take it.

Perhaps some of these haikus will make more sense if they are put in some sort of context.

General Public Nuisances:

Your ringer is cool;
Is that a Motley Cru song?
Answer the damn thing!

Oh my God, for real;
Technology’s, like, so cool.
Dumber by the day.

My phone makes me big;
I am the king of the world.
Cell phone bill iceberg.

So interesting;
Things overheard on your cell.
That’s sarcasm, jerk.

What does “faux pas” mean?
I think it’s French for dip shit;
Go talk outside, please.

Can you hear me now?
Maybe I should talk louder?
Stuff a sock in it.

I love my cell phone;
R U going to the mall?
Shut the fuck up, bitch.

I punch the keypad;
I’m a text message guru.
Know what “FU” means?

Define obnoxious:
You let your phone ring ten times
Before you answer.

Talking While Driving:

I can drive and talk;
They call it multi-tasking.
That bump felt human.

I drive a Hummer;
I always talk on my cell.
Public enemy.

Cell phone in your hand;
“Vote for Bush” on the bumper.
Red state road hazard.

While Interacting with the “Servant Class:”

In line on the phone;
Customers are always right.
We hate you so much.

Give me a latte;
No, I won’t hang up the phone.
God, what an asshole!

I’ll just point at things;
I have to take this phone call.
Must be your mother.

Please, Turn Off Your Cell Phone Situations:

I love opera;
Even when they aren’t singing.
Ring, who could that be?

Your cell phone goes off;
The movie has just started.
What planet you from?

So quiet in here;
The library is peaceful.
Time to call my friends.

Public Transportation Yakkers:

On the bus I talk;
Nothing to say, but so what?
Someone please kill her.

No phones on the plane;
Not yet, but maybe some day.
Where’s the train station?

From Readers:

Haikus for the too-cool, condescending "servant class"; or as I like to call them, the coffee shop hipster philosophes.

Dipshit arty-fart,
Starbucks server-poet-priest,
Leave room for milk, twit.

Haute hipster server
Miss Manners, such class, such style!
Three-day-old thong? Ew!

"I only work here
Until my art makes it big."
My latte, Warhol?

(I'm better than you
Mr. Yuppie Big Shot Creep!)
"Room for milk, Sir?"

(I'll show this Yuppie
Who is the better person)
"Want back change, Mister?"

As Shaw once stated
Hatred 'tis coward's revenge;


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