Fixer Upper

NOTICE TO TENANTS:

ALL MAINTENANCE REQUESTS MUST BE MADE IN WRITING. ALL MAINTENANCE IN THE BUILDING, ESPECIALLY LOUD HAMMERING, SAWING, DRILLING, AND DISGUSTING THROAT-CLEARING NOISES WILL BE MADE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 05:30 and 06:00 a.m. MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL ARE AUTHORIZED TO ENTER YOUR APARTMENT UNANNOUNCED. ALL EFFORTS WILL BE MADE SO THAT WHEN MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL ENTER YOUR APARTMENT THEY WILL DO SO ONLY WHEN YOU ARE IN AN EMBARRASSING OR COMPROMISING POSITION. AFTER FILLING OUT THE REQUIRED MAINTENANCE FORM PLEASE WAIT AT LEAST SIX MONTHS—OR WHENEVER YOU HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT SUBMITTING THE REQUEST--FOR MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL TO ENTER YOUR RESIDENCE TO EVAUATE THE PROBLEM. PLEASE ALLOW AT LEAST ANOTHER SIX MONTHS FOR THE PROBLEM TO BE ADDRESSED IN AN INADEQUATE MANNER THAT WILL LEAVE YOU EVEN MORE FRUSTRATED THAN YOU WERE WHEN THE PROBLEM FIRST SURFACED.

RESPECTFULLY, ALMALGAMATED SLUM LORDS, INC.

Maintenance Request

Name: Leftbanker Apartment: #202

1) The #4 washing machine--although it seems to work just fine--makes a noise when it is in the spin cycle that sounds a lot like two people having sex. The only reason that I have decided to fill out a maintenance request is that one of the two people making sex noises may be underage. The machine may not be broken but it is wrong.

2) At certain times of the day it can take upwards of fifteen minutes before anything remotely resembling hot water makes its way into my faucets. Is there some way to collect the run-off water and divert it to irrigation projects in Mauritania?

3) In your brochures you advertise this building as having “old world charm.” By that do you mean the old guy who is often passed out in the doorway? Can you ask him to at least pull his pants up? Or by “old world charm” do you mean the ancient elevator? Taking that thing is like some form of extreme sport.

4) I know this isn’t a maintenance request, but in your brochure you have a picture of a building tenant who looks like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader with a laptop computer. Can you tell me her apartment number?

5) I'm afraid I lost all interest in this bit.