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Thursday, April 08, 2004

Baby, You Can't Drive My Car

Have you ever had a parking spot that is so good that instead of screwing that up by driving you walk or take the bus? My car is parked in one of those envious spots right now. I realize that not driving my car because I have a great parking spot makes less sense than vinyl slip covers on your furniture, but I can’t help myself. I think that the satisfaction I get just looking at my car parked right in front of my building is worth a lot in cab fare. As I’ve said a million times, I don’t really like to drive anyway.

Since I don’t really drive, and what I’m really interested in is having a good parking space, I have come up with an idea for a new company. It would be a company that gives you a really nice car with a really great parking space. You don’t get to drive it but who cares? It would be cheaper than actually owning a car. You would use this decoy car just to impress women while saving yourself a bundle on car insurance. Intrigued? Keep reading.

Say a woman comes over to your place. You both decide to go out. You would leave your building and walk towards your decoy car. Let’s say that it is a really nice European luxury sedan. Just when you are opening her door to go where ever you were going you stop and say, “You know, it’s such a nice evening, maybe we should walk.” She will be impressed not only with the car but also with your kooky unpredictability and spontaneity. Maybe the car doesn’t even have an engine or it could be just a hologram of a car. Who cares? She won’t ever know the difference.

Maybe you have a decoy car that is some sort of hot rod or sports car. This time you tell your date that you really shouldn’t drive because your license was suspended for driving 180 mph down a side street. Your lawyer will probably get you out of it but maybe you should take a cab tonight just to be on the safe side since you can’t help yourself when you are behind the wheel of this tiger. My guess is that after you lay that on her she won’t even want to go out; she’ll just want to go back to your place to get to know you better, you big outlaw you.

Your fellow bus riders would think a lot more of you if they thought you had an immaculately detailed Maseratti parked in front of your building and the only reason you take the bus, the “looser cruiser,” is because you are firmly committed to environmental issues. I mean if a car is basically not much more than a status symbol in our society who cares if yours is just a cardboard cut-out?

This same company could park a horrifically expensive luxury car with a flat tire in front of some swanky pick-up joint. You meet someone at the bar and suggest going to another bar across town. When you walk out with your new friend you get to the car with the flat. You feign like you are going to change the tire like the he-man that you are but then you say, “Let’s just take a cab. I’ll call the garage to come get this wreck.” While she is checking out your car you spray a little more of that paint stuff on your bald spot and whistle for a cab. Game, set, and match. The company could rent the same car out to a bar-full of losers like you and me.

This system would work especially well for guys who want to “own” a Humvee. You don’t think the dorks who have these monstrosities really want to drive them do you? Hell no they don’t, they just want to seem like the outdoorsy type to women who want to seem like the outdoorsy type. After the two of you decide not to take a drive out to the mountains for a hike you propose driving your Humvee over to Applebee’s for some mozzarella sticks and daiquiris. In the parking lot you point to your fake Hummer and tell her that you only have a 50 gallon gas tank and Applebee’s is three miles away so maybe you should walk. Unless the TV ads are lying to me, shitty gas mileage is a real turn-on for women these days.

Is this being deceitful? Sure it is, but most of the people you see driving fancy cars are so far in debt that they make Brazil look solvent. So what if that little chubby guy with the toupee who drives the Porsche is closer to the people at the collection agency than you are with your own family. Do you think that keeps him from scoring?

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