Dynamic Personal Power Energy Systems

What do you think is easier: Becoming a motivational speaker or becoming motivated by the speakings of a motivational speaker? From the look of bookstores these days it would seem that making a bundle on a self-help book is about the easiest thing in the world. I wonder if there are any motivational books on how to get motivated to write a motivational book. There has to be.

Being the tireless journalist that I am, I like to have the faintest knowledge of a subject before I make fun of it. In the name of research I spent a couple minutes online looking at the website for that “Personal Power” guy with the big teeth. For his biography the site lists an impressive catalogue of his accomplishments including bringing peace to the Middle East. He supposedly feeds 9 million people a year. With this list of credits I was hesitant to poke fun at him. And then I clicked on the merchandise page.

He sells a leather date book for $255. That seems like a lot until you consider that it has a calculator with a powerful micro-chip capable of doing of doing multiplication and long division in seconds.

For only $199 you can get Mr. Robbins nutritional supplements of “bioenergetic colloidals and micronutrients.” I don’t know what that means and my spell check has no fucking idea either but they are guaranteed to “detoxify your cells while providing nutritional support for all of your body’s functions.” Is skepticism a body function?

His brand of hucksterism would make Professor Harold Hill from The Music Man blush. Consider his personal coaching method that charges $3,200 for a series of 30 minute phone calls from a professional coach. Who are these coaches would be my first question. I have a feeling that they are the moral equivalent of "hot" phone sex operators. Instead of a highly-motivated personal coach you will be talking to a guy who hasn’t changed his t-shirt in four days. He just hit the mute button on the fishing show he was watching before he dialed your number. Good luck with your search for “personal power.”

$210 buys you CD’s of his powerful 7 day program where you will “learn to develop deep relationships for profound fulfillment.” I think he needs to use another synonym for ‘deep’ in that description to really hypnotize the hicks. I love it when a motivational series is offered on tape, as if people too fucking lazy to even read a book are ever going to get their shit together. Why don’t they just offer these life-changing works in nacho cheese flavor? Motivational snack food—I think I’m on to something with this idea.

Leftbanker Motivational Dynamics now offers synergy-dianetic sour cream and onion potato chips (My spell-check wanted to call them ‘synergy-diabetic’ but I overruled). At $25 per 16 oz. bag these potato chips will revitalize your personal energy by providing valuable micronutrients, like salt. A dozen bio-energentic donuts cost only $40 but provide you with something your body is probably dangerously lacking: sugar. Sugar deficiency is known as the silent killer. Don’t take any crazy chances with your health, order now.

Using powerfully advanced cellular telephone micro-technology Leftbanker Motivational Dynamics offers personal training for only $450 an hour. Each telephone motivational-training session will encourage you to:

Clean your room. You’re living like an animal in there.

Sit up straight; slouching makes you look shorter.

Stop picking that! If you pick it, it will never heal.

Take a jacket, it’s freezing outside.

Clean up the water you spilled on the tile floor before someone breaks their neck. Then how will you feel, Mister “I’m too much of a big shot to clean up my own messes?”

for more info call 1-800-JEWISHGRANDMOTHER

Quite frankly, I don’t know how you have survived this long without these valuable “dynamic life-energy lessons.” Order today and start being a new you tomorrow because let’s face it, the ‘you’ that ‘you’ are now is a big pile of horse manure if we can be totally honest here. And would it kill you to lose a few pounds?