I'll Drink to That

If only all holidays were more like Saint Patrick’s Day or New Year’s Eve. What a better world this would be if on every recognized holiday people went from theme bar to theme bar drinking appropriately-colored beers and liquors until one or more people in their party is out back in the alley hurling in and on the dumpster. Think of how much easier Thanksgiving and Christmas would be if instead of all of the present rigmarole all you had to worry about is going out and getting shit-faced. This is the problem, people: you aren’t thinking about it. Once again I have had to do the thinking for you.

If you are old enough to remember, Saint Patrick’s Day used to be a pretty not-shit holiday. I was the one back in 1975, still drinking on a fake ID, who turned this boring, sober, and fairly anonymous holiday into the binge-drinking epicenter of American low culture that it is today. Before then there were no Irish theme bars in the U.S. Some friends and I simply used Saint Patrick’s Day as an excuse to drink a case of Rolling Rock on a school night. We didn’t even know the guy was Irish that first year, we just noticed his name on the calendar. The next year—after a bit of research—we did our boozing in the only half-way Irish-sounding bar in town. I think the place was called O’Shea’s Diner or something corny like that. We trashed the place but the guy had one of his best nights ever and the rest--so to speak--is history.

Irish bars sprouted like dandelions after that and now you have the boozing orgy that currently marks the passing of March 17th. Since Saint Patty’s Day has been such an overwhelming success I have taken it upon myself to do the same thing for Christmas starting this year. Forget about presents, cards, trees, decorations, and definitely the caroling this Christmas season. All of that stuff was getting totally out of hand and we all know it. Now all you have to do is go out with your friends and get wrecked.

There is a bar in Seattle called “The Three Wise Men,” which although has nothing to do with Jesus or his birth (Named after the three Ernies who own it), would make an excellent choice as the first Christmas theme bar. Other possible names for Christmas theme bars: “The Manger,” or how about “The Inn is Full Martini Bar,” or “The J,M&J Bar?” I could come up with a bunch of theme shots but I think you deadbeats should do some of the work of organizing this thing yourselves. You’ll thank me when instead of a huge credit card bill the only downside to this new-and-improved Yuletide is a vicious hangover. You can buy me a drink.

The thought of turning all of our national holidays into binge-drinking events makes my head spin with the possibilities. Take Thanksgiving for example. Instead of all of the cooking, and setting the table, and the "I should make real cranberry sauce but like any of these animals would know the difference," and the clean up, and the tedious relatives boring you half to death, and Uncle Myron and those horrible cigars, and "For the love of God didn't anyone teach you kids to flush?" instead of that you could just have a kegger with plastic cups. And forget about the diamond you were going to buy your ungrateful girlfriend for Saint Valentine’s Day; just get her a fifth of Old Grandad. Now that's romance!