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Thursday, March 25, 2004

1 Across: 4 Letter Word for NY Times Puzzle Solver

I sat down at the coffee shop this morning and found a paper open to the New York Times crossword puzzle. The whole thing had been filled in—in ink of course. My first reaction was to get angry at Miss/Mister Big Brain for leaving this behind to taunt those of us who are unable to fill in the entire puzzle. It’s like an animal leaving its scent right on top of the table. But then I thought that I’m the guy who is always complaining about how all we do in this culture is venerate physical beauty yet here is someone showing off their smarts and I am giving them grief. Leaving behind a completed NY Times crossword puzzle would be the equivalent of someone baring their midriff or wearing a pair of tight jeans.

Maybe what our culture needs is more ways for smart people to let other people know how smart they are. I mean, after you get fake breast implants all you need is a ten dollar tube top for the world to know how you spent your last $5,000. Spend a year studying art history in Florence and nobody would ever know. Spend the morning working your way through a Bach cello suite and when you go out for a cup of coffee you’re just another kid with bad skin. It’s not fair and I think it’s time we did something about it.

Why not make everyone do the NY Times crossword puzzle before leaving the house in the morning. After the allotted twenty minutes you have to cut the puzzle out of the paper and wear it around your neck for the rest of the day. This might drastically alter our whole mating ritual in this country. You’d see some guy with a chiseled upper body who has only filled in two clues to the puzzle—one of them is wrong and the other has to do with a TV actor. Girls, you’d think twice about flirting with this dimwit and there haven’t been a set of fake boobs made that are big enough to cover up a puzzle with nothing filled in.

I’m not much of a crossword puzzler so I’d be forced to mate with like-minded members of my species. I don’t think I like this new system because it wouldn’t do me a bit of good as far as meeting women. Let’s just scrap this whole system before we get started. Let me devise a system wherein my unique talents are held in esteem and guys and girls like me get the pick of the gene pool. I can’t think of anything I do that ranks up there with finishing the NY Times crossword puzzle. How about if we just drop our names in a hat to pick our mates?

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