Bicycles Are the Enemy!

Hag late for yoga

"It now takes me 20 minutes to get to my yoga class and I'm often late,” said one commuter. “This is a terrible cluster."

Wow, what a moronic hag! Exactly what I pictured in my head: 50-something over-privileged creep who probably screams at waitresses who aren’t running fast enough for her. I'd bet $100 that’s she’s blaring either Barbara Streisand or Yanni on her stereo. Here’s a news bulletin: if you're driving 20 minutes to exercise you are an eco-criminal. I only hope that there was someone standing by to perform the Heimlich Maneuver after she started choking to death on her own irony.

Why do all these people even live in Boulder if they are going to be such raging assholes? The local eye-shitness news report was perfectly dreadful, as you would expect. They began their story with their own deeply-entrenched mindset and they didn't stop until their foregone conclusion was settled. Just look at how they lead in to the story. “We all know that Boulder can be a bike-friendly town but has the city gone too far? That’s what some people are saying.” And by "some people" they mean a few cherry-picked douche bags sitting on their fat asses inside their cars and one mildly-retarded reporter.

My question to the people of Boulder is this: why aren’t more of you getting around on bikes? I would have asked every driver waiting at the light how far they were going and wouldn’t it have been possible to make the trip in foot or on a bike...and don't they notice that people on bikes aren't stressing out and throwing temper tantrums.

I would also wager that most people who live in Boulder rave about how cool and progressive it is to all of their former friends back in Kansas or wherever the hell they come from. Cool is OK as long as I don't have to wok up a sweat. Pseudo-progressives are so ridiculous. How do you define pseudo-progressive? I would start by including anyone who drives 20 minutes to go to yoga yet claims to be a liberal.

And why is every cyclist they show wearing spandex? No wonder so many people hate cyclists.

People, Please Proofread Prior to Publication!

I’ve often wondered if all of those hipster tattoos in Chinese characters are equally as moronic to Chinese people. And have you ever crapped your hands? It hardly makes any noise at all. Maybe I'm doing it wrong (my life story).

In the Year 2565

After decades of watching the best and the brightest in the medical profession gravitate towards cosmetic surgery, world leaders decide that something must be done. Outward appearances become so important that even patients simply in need of something to stop a runny nose are given a bit of a nip and tuck around the eyes. Of course, cold remedies are readily available over-the-counter at pharmacies, but try telling that to a 70 year old hypochondriac and, truth be told, Mrs. Berkovich doesn’t look half bad with the new work.

The last straw comes when a seven year old boy suffering from leukemia goes to the hospital for treatment and is instead given a truly magnificent pair of breasts and a collagen injection in the lips. The public is outraged…strangely aroused but outraged! People demand that something be done to arrest the world’s free-fall into a culture where looks are everything.

After a few years of unsuccessful policies, the world court in The Hague comes up with an idea. A daily exam will be issued to every citizen of the world that must be completed by everyone and then they must wear their answer sheet around their neck for the remainder of that day. Citizens have exactly 20 minutes to complete the exam with a new subject chosen daily. On Mondays, instead of the exam, it's the New York Times crossword puzzle (at first the Friday puzzle was used but its difficulty left most people too embarrassed to leave the house in the morning). 

Every evening at 6 p.m. the subject for the next day’s exam is announced so that people can cram. The transformation of society is astonishing. Instead of “hitting the gym” after work people flock to libraries and bookstores—and not just to buy diet and exercise books like before. The entire fashion industry basically goes down the toilet and people no longer really give a crap about their looks and only care about not humiliating themselves on the morning pop quiz.  

The new edict surpasses all expectations and in only the first week a Victoria's Secret model was laughed off a city bus for her abysmal effort on that day’s exam, a map test. She tried to deflect attention from her exam by wearing a short skirt with no underwear but her fellow commuters howled with merriment at her almost complete ignorance of world geography, especially the part in which she had written “Disneyland” where everyone else on the bus had correctly scribbled “Brazil.” When asked to comment on the incident the top model stated, “I went to Disneyland when I was 10 and I remember that it was down. Right?”

The world was left no less unkind, no less cruel by this policy as smart people can be every bit as mean and bitchy as the beautiful people once were. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose (tomorrow we have a French exam so I've been studying up). 

How Much of a Hurry Are You in? The Guide

There are only three levels of being in a rush while there are mainly just five reasons you’re in a situation that requires speed. Our free user’s guide will help you determine how fast you need to go and why. We’ll begin with just how much of a rush you’re in at the moment.

1) Crazy Big Freaking Hurry

     In this situation you are willing to leave even major felonies on the table as you negotiate your way from point A to B. And let’s all just take a few deep breaths before anyone mentions murder because technically if you run someone over it’s considered manslaughter which sounds even worse than murder, but legally-speaking it’s no big deal.

This is the reason the Titanic went under; somebody was in a big freaking hurry and plowed into an iceberg, and for what? All those lives lost just because the captain forgot to leave his car in long-term parking and wanted to get to New York as soon as possible because the lot he used was like $60 a day. It’s completely wrong what he did, but let’s be honest here, most of us would have done the same thing in his position.

What people in this group are basically saying is that suddenly their problem has become everyone’s problem which is the most profound level of selfishness.

 

2) Huge Hurry

     Certainly not a life or death situation, but who’s got all day while this stupid hick tries to parallel park—apparently for the first time. Most humans in a huge hurry find it convenient to abandon most forms of civilized behavior, which isn’t saying that a lot of them are very human when they have all the time in the world. Driving while in a hurry brings out the worst in most people and creates the most danger for everyone in the way. Instead of giving aggressive drivers a ticket, they should be forced to take the bus. There’s nothing like public transportation to beat the impatience out of some little hotshot.

Giving someone “the finger” and other vulgar hand gestures were all developed by drivers in a huge hurry. People on bicycles and on horseback never flip each other off.  Car horns serve only two purposes: as a means for jerks to let everyone know that they’re in a huge hurry, and for total slobs to announce to their girlfriends that they’re out front.

3) Not Much of a Hurry, but I’m an Impatient Asshole by Nature

     People in this category are mostly just plain rude. They’ll cut off a friend in the middle of a stor,y or they may sprint to the taxi stand to beat out an old woman on crutches. They equate being in front of others with winning. Cutting in line and a general failure to wait your turn are offenses that place you squarely in this obnoxious group.

So that’s it. There are only those three kinds of hurry and to think all this time you thought that you were somehow exceptional. You’re just a garden variety creep and there’s nothing special about that.

There are really only five reasons to be in a hurry, although there may be many variations on these themes.

1) You’re simply way too stupid to have thought about leaving five minutes sooner. Seriously, dude, why should anyone else give a shit that you have to be at work in three minutes?

2) Over-slept. Just because it’s a reason to be late doesn’t make it an excuse—there’s a difference.

3) The God damned kids…again! I have two words for parents: military school.

4) Doctors gave you only one month to live. The good news is that the only thing on your bucket list is to watch the movie The Bucket List.

5) You’re tasked with delivering a live transplant organ. Get cracking! That beating heart isn’t going to get to the hospital by itself.