THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS NOTHING ABOUT VAMPIRES

The Other Guys

Is anyone still reading? Is it possible that people will read something that isn’t about vampires? I’ve never understood why women are so enthralled with bloodsuckers who wear more make-up than a 50 year old transvestite hooker.  I suppose the vampire myth has a lot to do with women’s sexual frustration of having to say no to men. The women who have said “no” to me over the course of my life never seemed the least bit bothered by their decision, but in many other cases denying themselves is a point of conflict. With vampires, women have no choice in the matter and can just go with the flow, or whatever you call it.  Men have sat by while women have their little fling with vampires but this has gone on long enough.  It’s sort of like living with a roommate who eats your food and drinks your beer; sooner or later you have to put your foot down.

Demanding that women stop their affair with the princes of the night (more like queens most of the time) makes us look clingy and needy; something girls hate more than fang-less guys. Instead of pounding a stake through the objects of women’s desires we should fix them up with somebody new and less threatening to men.  There is a lot of money in those bloodsuckers so I see no reason why the new female infatuation can’t also be a cash cow.  I want a piece of this action so I intend to invent the replacement for the vampire and trademark it.

How about Tyrone the Eunuch Personal Shopper™? He’s cute, dresses immaculately, and he’s anatomically incorrect.  Think of a Ken doll who has a superhero instinct for finding clothes that make girls look thin—that certainly beats X-ray vision.  There is nothing to worry about if your girlfriend comes home at 5 am after being out with Tyrone…or is there? What the hell could they possibly have been doing so late? She slept for about 14 hours afterwards so take a guess. You’d kick his ass but the dude is totally buff from all those Tae Bo classes he did with your gal. At least she said she was doing Tae Bo. I was looking for a harmless lap dog but he turned out to be a leg-humper. OK, forget about Tyrone.

If women will cheat on us with Tyrone and vampires then we need a substitute that doesn’t take the male form.  And forget about replacing vampires with a female; men would be out of business completely in a month.  We need the new model in a non-human form. No threat there at all, right? How about something that can take many different, inanimate forms? Forms that women find sexy like credit cards, and lounge chairs by the pool, and yoga mats. We’ll call him Señor Plastico™. Señor Plastico can take human form but only if she needs a lunch date. That little bastard! Turns out Señor Plastico has a vibrate mode and comes standard with a G-Spot GPS. See what happens, guys, when you don’t ask for directions? Señor Plastico has your better half howling like her team just won the Superbowl…five times!

Until men can come up with a better compromise, women will continue sneaking around our backs with vampires.  Either that or men can actually participate in their relationships with women, which would be difficult if we are to continue our current obsessions with sports and online poker.

To Write

Opening up a blank document can sometimes be about as traumatic as getting hit in the face with a coal shovel, at least on the many occasions when I have absolutely no idea of what I want to do. Modern writers no longer have a garbage can filled with the crumpled results of bad ideas.  Now we have the Delete key.  I usually save even the worst of my efforts with the vain hope that at some later date I may find a morsel or two worth reviving. If I have even a single joke in mind and a vague notion of a theme, I can usually cobble together something that someone may want to read. On other days, I may start with a blank screen and after a few false starts I end up with a decent essay. Often the result is quite simply a turd, but I don’t worry too much about those days as one sure byproduct of all humanity is shit.

Even my worst efforts I can chalk up as writing practice. The stuff I like gives me a boost for the whole day. It certainly isn’t my place to say whether or not I am a good writer but I know one thing about myself: I’m addicted to writing and no amount of negative feedback could get me to quit. I mean no disrespect to the thousands of readers who have pleaded with me to take up a new hobby but I write almost entirely for myself.    

I recently looked into the curious case of the writer H.F. Saint who wrote one of my favorite modern novels, Memoirs of an Invisible Man. I have read the thing at least five times and I would say that it is the most fun I have ever had reading a book. No kidding.  From what I gathered online he wanted to be a writer early on in life but went into business instead. Somewhere in his 40s he decided to quit his job and give writing his full attention. Memoirs was the result and he made a small fortune on the book and movie rights.* I came across an interview he did some time after his good fortune and he mentioned that he was working on a new book.  And then he disappeared, never to be heard from again, at least not in the publishing world.

Barring some immense and unspeakable tragedy I can’t imagine why he would not have followed up on his first huge success. Perhaps he just took the money and ran. It is such a pity for those of us who loved his book that he stopped writing. Succeed or fail I plan on writing until the day I die. Shit, I’ll probably write a dumbass blog post from my death bed; or from the firing squad if I go out like a writer should. Some might say that I am a natural writer but it’s more about being stubborn than anything else.

*The movie sucks and has nothing to do with the book. Considering how bad this version was and advances in special effects the story practically screams out for a remake.

My Invention Ideas

Acme Hangover Detector

Besides being a crappy writer, a half-assed cook, a mediocre athlete, and a fantastic figure skater I'm also something of an inventor. Granted, most of my ideas never get past the "scribbled on a cocktail napkin" phase but this is only because I put so many cocktails on the napkins that they disintegrate. Back to the drawing board for me!

Remote Control Retriever

We all know that people are too lazy and spoiled to actually walk over to the TV to change channels. The problem is that sometimes the remote is out of your reach and you have to walk a few steps to pick it up off the coffee table. The Remote Control Retrieve® instantly puts the remote into the palm of your hand so that you don’t have to spill the 70 oz. soda you have precariously balanced on your gut. I don’t have the details worked out yet but I’m thinking about having a chip surgically implanted in the body that allows you to change channels, record, and vote for American Idol without moving an inch.

Cigarette Butt Detector

This device will allow you to scan your can of beer at a big party to let you know if someone used it for an ashtray while you were gone taking a leak. I can’t count how many times I’ve taken a big gulp of Bud mixed with someone’s finished Marlboro.  One a side note, many people feel that cigarette ash improves the taste of most light beers.

Microwave Toast

For on-the-go people who don’t have time to make real toast. Simply microwave the frozen slices for 26 seconds on high.  Finally, someone has saved us from the drudgery of using a toaster.

Hangover Detector

This device monitors your blood-alcohol in real-time. When you have reached the point where you will feel the effects of tonight’s bash tomorrow (probably during your after-work happy hour), the device will set off a 120 decibel air raid siren next to your ear to remind you that you are entering dangerous territory. Of course there is a simple on/off switch for those who choose to ignore the warning or a “snooze alarm” for people who don’t mind a little hangover.

Fake iPhone Case

Put your budget, piece-of-shit phone inside this case to make everyone think you are on the cutting edge of cell phone technology. Think of it as a wig for your phone.

Things to Do Before You (Don’t) Die

First of all I’d just like to say how sorry I am to hear that you are going to die and therefore are looking for things to keep you busy before check-out time, so to speak.  The thought of dying has never crossed my mind for a split second.  I realize that human beings don’t live forever but so far death only happens to other people. Perhaps they should be more careful.  Instead of writing a list of the stuff I think that you should do before you die how about a list of things you can do to keep from dying, or at least put it off for as long as possible?

1)      Avoid cars. One of the most dangerous activities ever invented is driving a car. The idea of not driving is unimaginable to about 99% of Americans but it is possible, and simply reducing your car miles is very doable.  When I moved to Seattle I met many people who had never bothered to get a driver’s license. If you never had a license to begin with this seriously reduces your chances of getting a DWI.

2)      Don’t jump off your hotel room balcony into the pool, even if the other kids are doing it. Just fucking don’t.

3)      Avoid cardiovascular diseases which are responsible for a staggering 39% of all deaths in this country. One way to side-step heart failure is to take heed of #1 on the list and ride a bike instead (although you may still be hit by a car).

4)      Helmets aren’t just for the kids on the short bus anymore. Any sport considered remotely “extreme” done without a helmet is practically suicide. This is tough advice for me to follow because I have really nice hair. NASA scientists are working on a new hairspray that acts like a helmet.

5)      Finally, avoid lists of things to do before you die that have things that very well could be the last thing you do. 

The problem is that dying of old age—whatever the hell that means—sounds incredibly boring.  Just the idea of it makes me want to take up smoking, or become a rock drummer or an L.A. gang member (none of whom have died of old age).  This is why it’s better to just not think about croaking.

Back to School?

Instead of going back to school you can always do like top athletes and leave early to start your professional career.  Granted, the jocks usually step into seven figure salaries and you’ll be looking—at best—at an entry level customer service McJob, but the point is that no one is forcing you to finish school.  Just download a degree and fake transcripts and get cracking.  They make movies about people who fake being doctors and lawyers and such; they never make films about poor slobs who finish college and work normal jobs the rest of their lives. It isn’t fair but this is how we reward people in our society.

So either go the suckers’ route and finish school or take a walk on the wild side and talk your way into a job you are supremely unqualified to hold.  Come to think of it, I’ve been supremely unqualified for every job I have ever held; at least at first (I would definitely say this about my current employment as writer). Most professions require on-the-job training so why bother suffering through a semester of statistics? If a guy can fake being an airline pilot you can bullshit your way through a position in marketing. 

Former Letterman writer Rodney Rothman simply walked into a big dotcom company, sat down at an empty desk, and pretended to work there for three weeks. He was just looking for a few laughs but you could do the same thing and try to get paid for it.  As long as you’re just faking it you may as well start off as the new boss.  And why shouldn’t you be the boss? Your fake transcripts say you got all A’s at Harvard and Cambridge.  Whether you want to be the concerned and sensitive type or choose to rule with an iron fist is entirely up to you.

Faking a profession has never been easier than it is today, as long as you have internet access. I’m sure there are no problems in medicine or bridge construction that can’t be solved with a few mouse clicks. If through one of your training mistakes you prompt some sort of catastrophic disaster, simply change careers…and fast.  Trying to fake a job as one of the rescue workers is being a bit insensitive to the victims but I’m not one to judge (no one could ever accuse you of not understanding irony if you pull this off). Don’t be too hard on yourself and try to put the unpleasantness behind you, as well as a few zip codes. Remember not to include that job on your references.

Although our nation’s prison population of over 2.5 million would probably beg to differ, they say that we only regret the things in life that we don’t do. After watching the Indian Jones movies as a kid you’ve probably thought about being a swashbuckling archaeologist. So why not just do it? How hard could it be? You dig shit up and then clean it off with a paint brush. It’s probably more fun than being an accountant and it definitely beats going to class.