The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Resolution

Actually this is just a shameless attempt to manipulate google and draw hits to this page but since you’re here I’ll come up with a quick solution. Let's call this solution the Leftbanker Accords.

Here is how we will do it:

Either the Israelis or the Palestinians will choose to give up all of their territorial claims in that godforsaken wasteland. Whoever chooses to forfeit will then be allowed to emigrate to the U.S. They will receive citizenship after a brief inculcation period (they have to watch X hours of American TV, go to a baseball game, and perhaps read People magazine cover to cover). The new Americans will get a place to live and a used Honda Civic to drive. All new arrivals will get a $500 gift certificate to the Gap. They will also get to go to a Backstreet Boys concert free of charge (wouldn't it be refreshing to see the Backstreet Boys using their power for good instead of evil for a change).

The party that decides to stay in Israel/Palestine gets the land and that is it. The U.S. will no longer give one cent of foreign aid to that particular corner of the world. They will not get to go to a Backstreet Boys concert unless they pay the full face value of the ticket. I think to carry out my plan we would have to flip a coin because these two sides would fight to the finish over the right to watch Happy Days reruns and cruise the strip in the U.S.A.

*I would like to thank the senior fellows at the Rand Corporation for their assistance in drawing up this protocol.

Who's Got the Time?

Mondays are hell. Wednesday is hump day. Thank god it’s Friday. Everybody is working for the weekend. Two weeks paid vacation a year. Does that routine sound familiar to you? You have to live every day as if it were as precious as the weekend or a vacation. Do the math, folks. Two weeks off a year means you get one year off every 26 years. That sounds like the house has the odds stacked against you.

As I write this I’m sitting in a café watching a pair of crows build a nest in a fir tree across the street. If the business people around me knew what I was doing they would probably say to each other, “Now there’s a guy with too much free time on his hands.” They are probably right.

I constantly hear people complaining that they don’t have the time to do the things they would like to do. I suspect that these people are like me and that they have the time but they are mostly too lazy to do the things they dream about. You just need to decide what it is you really want and then just tear into it. Want to learn French? Go buy a book and get started. Want to play music? Go down to the music store and pick out an instrument. It is really that easy. Sure, this stuff takes time but time is all that you really need. Most of the things in life that make you a more interesting person don’t cost money, they just take time. Books are free at the library.

I waste as much time as the next guy but I never say that I’m too busy to become a more interesting person and I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t have enough time. Time is all about choices. You can either read or go to the mall. Watch a rerun or practice playing the violin. Study Spanish or page through People magazine, it’s your call. If you have time to do all of those things then that’s great, too.

By the way, if you’ve never watched crows build a nest you are really missing something. I should write a piano sonata about it. Lord knows I have enough time.

What's Your Sign?

What’s you sign? What’s my sign? What is this, the middle ages? My sign is astronomy, my sign is physics, and all that is science. My sign isn’t some leftover claptrap from pagan Rome arbitrarily tacked on to a perfectly good calendar. A nice bit of science, that calendar. My sign has not one shred of hocus-pocus or anything that can’t be explained by the laws of science, laws that we think remain constant with time and space.

As much as we have explained the universe that surrounds us there are still plenty of people who think of themselves as educated that choose to believe in astrology, UFO’s, ghosts, telepathy, God, and all sorts of paranormal phenomena.

I realize that man has been grappling with creation myths and divinity since he could think. Here I am, a guy who writes quips about kitschy Whoopee Goldberg movies and parodies of MTV, and now I’m suppose to be giving out the secret of man’s existence in this very same forum? Somebody’s got to break the news to you. All of that stuff I mentioned before, it’s all make believe, folks.

Why is it that we live in a country that supposedly separates church and state yet no one in a public position could ever claim to be an atheist? Athletes and other entertainers are constantly thanking god for their success but what if a celebrity stated publicly that she didn’t believe in god? My guess is that they wouldn’t have much of an income after that got out. Who is more persecuted in our culture: religious people or atheists? I think it is hilarious that these Muslim extremists view America as a godless nation. If they only knew how many people in this country are as close-minded and intolerant as they are they’d all move here and join the PTL club.

It is easy and fun to believe in stuff that doesn’t exist. The idea of ghosts and UFO’s is cool but the fact is that I have never seen or experienced anything in my life that could not be explained by the laws of nature as we know them. Tell me your bullshit paranormal story and I’m sure I can debunk it faster than it would take me to switch the channel from the X-Files to a baseball game.

You had a dream and it came true. Perhaps, but you had about ten million dreams that didn't come true. You saw a ghost. You were stoned. You can tell me what my sign is just becuase you"know" my personality. Good guess, and it only took you ten tries. Our 'spirits' have to go some place when we die. They go to the same place they were before you had memory. Does that make you feel better.

This life is all we have so whether it is heaven or hell is mostly up to us. Some of us have more power over matters than others--a peasant in Guatemala has less control over his destiny than a middle class American--but we all have choices. I choose to side with human beings and not with the gods.

My Warblog Can Kick Your Warblog's Ass

I think that I have been doing this a LITTLE bit longer than most of the pansies out there calling themselves warbloggers. I started warblogging back in 1972 on a Texas Instruments pocket calculator. I described the U.S. incursion into Cambodia using only the cardinal numbers and the # sign. I did it all from my bunker in the basement of my mom’s house in Absolute Zero, North Dakota (the REAL Dakota).

Some skeptics out there are probably asking, “If you’re so tough why weren’t you in the ‘shit’ over in Nam?” Not in the shit? Look at a map, people. What if the VC had turned north, crossed the Bering Sea, and took on Alaska? Those drunken lumberjacks wouldn't put up a fight. The military now has goggles that make all carbon-based life forms look like baby harp seals but that technology wasn't available back then to strenghten the fighting spirit of our 49th state. After Alaska the Cong would have headed south again where they’d run right smack into North Dakota. I was practically on the front line. Rest easy America, I’ve got your back. During the entire Viet Nam conflict I had a snow fort in my front yard that was directly in the path of the VC--except those two or three days in late July when it’s too warm for it. You can bet I didn’t sleep too well on those nights.

I did some terrific blogging during the U.S. Freedom of Navigation Ops against Libya in the mid 1980’s. Back then I was using only a Sega-genesis golf program and a reconfigured Ms. Packman machine. Any sissy can use a computer to generate one-sided views of U.S. world domination. I have finally given in to technology. I am writing today’s post using only the keypad of my cell phone (I started sometime during last year’s NFL playoffs).

Another technological advancement that I would recommend to all warbloggers is the new MS word processing program that automatically corrects your text to increase jingoism and xenophobia. Example: When you type ‘Palestinian’ you are given a choice of ‘terrorist,’ ‘racist,’ or ‘murderer.’ It is really quite handy and now I can write my opinions without thinking at all. The one thing that is bothersome about the program…U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A…is that it starts chanting at will.

I’ll admit that a lot of my sarcasm is born out of jealousy; I would love to have the sort of traffic that the war people generate. I’m not interested in their demographics as I’m sure that the people that frequent those types of pages are just passing through as they search for Rush Limbaugh’s blog. Mega dittos and good night.

Trouble With Blogger

The people of the Blogger Tenants Association have informed me that my lease on Blogger (the host of this web page) underwent an evaluation. It seems that I am in violation of several of their bylaws. The lease for LEFTBANKER is under probation until I make the necessary changes so as to comply with strict Blogger protocol. Below I have listed the laws violated and my attempts to rectify the discrepancies.

1)Thou shalt bore the living shit out of readers with your ill-informed views on global politics and/or TV shows.

I will try to kill two birds with one stone with this synopsis of what I watched on TV last night. On MTV’s Real World Ramallah, the West Bank: Jen thinks Samir is way cute but he’s too busy being tortured in prison to notice her. To get his attention she is torn between getting a tattoo and blowing herself up at an Israeli checkpoint. She can’t figure out what color lip gloss goes with C-4.

2)There is absolutely nothing in your silly personal life that is too mundane to write about in your web log.

OK, I’ll try to put something personal in here for a change. I went to the doctor yesterday to have a mole in the middle of my back removed. Before the dermatologist began the procedure I asked him, “So, do you really think this will make me look ten years younger?” Don't worry, he didn’t get it either. I guess you have to read all of the bullshit pamphlets he has in his waiting room about the wonders of medical science.

3)Try to give helpful advice like Ann Landers or Oprah.

Etiquette in the City: Are you made uncomfortable by repeated requests for money from street addicts? Are you sometimes at a loss for words and find yourself mumbling something incoherent about needing to go to a cash machine or some other lame-ass excuse. Try my stock response to street begging: “I can’t, I’m saving up to buy a pony.” Caution: May piss off addicts of certain anti-social drugs. If this occurs suggest to them that they stick with marijuana.

I hope this satisfies the requirements for my continued presence on this fine web hosting service.