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Wednesday, May 01, 2002

The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Resolution

Actually this is just a shameless attempt to manipulate google and draw hits to this page but since you’re here I’ll come up with a quick solution. Let's call this solution the Leftbanker Accords.

Here is how we will do it:

Either the Israelis or the Palestinians will choose to give up all of their territorial claims in that godforsaken wasteland. Whoever chooses to forfeit will then be allowed to emigrate to the U.S. They will receive citizenship after a brief inculcation period (they have to watch X hours of American TV, go to a baseball game, and perhaps read People magazine cover to cover). The new Americans will get a place to live and a used Honda Civic to drive. All new arrivals will get a $500 gift certificate to the Gap. They will also get to go to a Backstreet Boys concert free of charge (wouldn't it be refreshing to see the Backstreet Boys using their power for good instead of evil for a change).

The party that decides to stay in Israel/Palestine gets the land and that is it. The U.S. will no longer give one cent of foreign aid to that particular corner of the world. They will not get to go to a Backstreet Boys concert unless they pay the full face value of the ticket. I think to carry out my plan we would have to flip a coin because these two sides would fight to the finish over the right to watch Happy Days reruns and cruise the strip in the U.S.A.

*I would like to thank the senior fellows at the Rand Corporation for their assistance in drawing up this protocol.

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