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Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Trouble With Blogger

The people of the Blogger Tenants Association have informed me that my lease on Blogger (the host of this web page) underwent an evaluation. It seems that I am in violation of several of their bylaws. The lease for LEFTBANKER is under probation until I make the necessary changes so as to comply with strict Blogger protocol. Below I have listed the laws violated and my attempts to rectify the discrepancies.

1)Thou shalt bore the living shit out of readers with your ill-informed views on global politics and/or TV shows.

I will try to kill two birds with one stone with this synopsis of what I watched on TV last night. On MTV’s Real World Ramallah, the West Bank: Jen thinks Samir is way cute but he’s too busy being tortured in prison to notice her. To get his attention she is torn between getting a tattoo and blowing herself up at an Israeli checkpoint. She can’t figure out what color lip gloss goes with C-4.

2)There is absolutely nothing in your silly personal life that is too mundane to write about in your web log.

OK, I’ll try to put something personal in here for a change. I went to the doctor yesterday to have a mole in the middle of my back removed. Before the dermatologist began the procedure I asked him, “So, do you really think this will make me look ten years younger?” Don't worry, he didn’t get it either. I guess you have to read all of the bullshit pamphlets he has in his waiting room about the wonders of medical science.

3)Try to give helpful advice like Ann Landers or Oprah.

Etiquette in the City: Are you made uncomfortable by repeated requests for money from street addicts? Are you sometimes at a loss for words and find yourself mumbling something incoherent about needing to go to a cash machine or some other lame-ass excuse. Try my stock response to street begging: “I can’t, I’m saving up to buy a pony.” Caution: May piss off addicts of certain anti-social drugs. If this occurs suggest to them that they stick with marijuana.

I hope this satisfies the requirements for my continued presence on this fine web hosting service.

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