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Wednesday, April 10, 2002

You're Busted

That’s right, folks. The gig is up. Les jeux sont fait. No more slacking off, no more cutting class. With the assistance of a team of experts from the National Security Agency I have installed a super-sophisticated counting and tracking device on this website. Reading this website is now mandatory and I can keep track of who is visiting and who isn’t.

The NSA guys are actually living in my apartment until all of the work on my site is finished. There are five of them. Nerdy looking guys who all wear Dockers, boat shoes, and pocket protectors. From what I can tell they live entirely on Pringles and Spaghetti-O's. There is another guy with a big moustache and a sombrero who keeps shooting holes in the ceiling with his pistols. I don’t think he is from NSA but he brought enough tequila for everybody so he stays. He also has a wonderful singing voice.

The NSA people have been able to track every single website that you people have visited. No wonder this country is going down the drain. Look at how you are wasting your time:

67% www.theonion.com
13% www.thesimpsons.com
10% www.mlb.com
10% www.naughtybritneypictures.com

Is this all you losers can find to do with your time? I find it shocking that with the vast resources available on the internet people waste their time browsing this sort of garbage. Wait a minute. What’s that? Those are the sites I’ve looked at? I thought they sounded vaguely familiar. Carry on.

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Posted on the door of the sauna at my gym is a list of rules. The last one states adamantly NO PETS! I went to the front desk to ask a few questions concerning this rather Draconian measure. Was this rule in response to a particular incident? Perhaps we are finally getting closer to the root of the apocryphal “gerbil” affair. It seemed preposterous that simply because a group of sweaty men had taken "liberties" with an unspecified rodent the gym management was now forbiding sauna access to all domesticated animals kept for companionship. No one had any answers, at least none they were willing to make public. Surely a well-behaved ferret would be allowed inside. How about a goldfish in its bowl? Their tyranny couldn’t face up to my inquiry and I was asked to leave.

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