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Wednesday, April 24, 2002

My Warblog Can Kick Your Warblog's Ass

I think that I have been doing this a LITTLE bit longer than most of the pansies out there calling themselves warbloggers. I started warblogging back in 1972 on a Texas Instruments pocket calculator. I described the U.S. incursion into Cambodia using only the cardinal numbers and the # sign. I did it all from my bunker in the basement of my mom’s house in Absolute Zero, North Dakota (the REAL Dakota).

Some skeptics out there are probably asking, “If you’re so tough why weren’t you in the ‘shit’ over in Nam?” Not in the shit? Look at a map, people. What if the VC had turned north, crossed the Bering Sea, and took on Alaska? Those drunken lumberjacks wouldn't put up a fight. The military now has goggles that make all carbon-based life forms look like baby harp seals but that technology wasn't available back then to strenghten the fighting spirit of our 49th state. After Alaska the Cong would have headed south again where they’d run right smack into North Dakota. I was practically on the front line. Rest easy America, I’ve got your back. During the entire Viet Nam conflict I had a snow fort in my front yard that was directly in the path of the VC--except those two or three days in late July when it’s too warm for it. You can bet I didn’t sleep too well on those nights.

I did some terrific blogging during the U.S. Freedom of Navigation Ops against Libya in the mid 1980’s. Back then I was using only a Sega-genesis golf program and a reconfigured Ms. Packman machine. Any sissy can use a computer to generate one-sided views of U.S. world domination. I have finally given in to technology. I am writing today’s post using only the keypad of my cell phone (I started sometime during last year’s NFL playoffs).

Another technological advancement that I would recommend to all warbloggers is the new MS word processing program that automatically corrects your text to increase jingoism and xenophobia. Example: When you type ‘Palestinian’ you are given a choice of ‘terrorist,’ ‘racist,’ or ‘murderer.’ It is really quite handy and now I can write my opinions without thinking at all. The one thing that is bothersome about the program…U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A…is that it starts chanting at will.

I’ll admit that a lot of my sarcasm is born out of jealousy; I would love to have the sort of traffic that the war people generate. I’m not interested in their demographics as I’m sure that the people that frequent those types of pages are just passing through as they search for Rush Limbaugh’s blog. Mega dittos and good night.

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