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Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.

Sunday, April 07, 2002

How to be Funny

For the very low price of $99.95 I can make you funny, the life of the party, the class clown. Yes, before you know it you’ll be headlining in the Catskills, you’ll be bigger than Gallagher, getting more laughs than that “Hey Vern” guy, funnier than ‘Friends,’ Jerry Seinfeld will be opening for YOU.

Guys, allow me to let you in on something: chicks dig funny guys. Trust me on this one. I get so much action I have had to take drastic measures to avoid women when I go out in public. I actually have to dress in disguise. I wear a Lord of the Rings t-shirt that repels even the most sex-starved females. Sometimes I just have to wait until the throng outside my door loses hope and heads for the Back Street Boys concert as a desperate consolation.

I know what you’re saying to yourself. You’re saying, “I can’t ever be funny. I’m the most tedious fucking human being that has ever spent an entire weekend watching televised golf. I think that kid on the Dell commercials is funny. How could I ever get a sense of humor?” I didn’t say it was going to be easy in your case but if you buy my series of books and tapes, and follow the simple instructions, I guarantee that you will have your friends peeing themselves with laughter.

My instructional series for the humor-impaired has helped thousands of people just like you. People who wouldn’t know a punch line from a clothes line. People who wouldn’t recognize irony if it moved into the spare bedroom and used the last of the toilet paper without replacing it. If you suffer from this crippling ailment don’t hesitate; send a check today. Here is a preview of what you will learn.

What is the secret to comedy you ask? Ronald Reagan knew the secret. Walt Disney knew it. Do you want to know what the secret is, do you? The secret to comedy: monkeys. Monkeys are just plain funny. The expression “more fun than a barrel of monkeys” comes from the 17th century. The intrepid English explorer, Sir Francis Drake, brought a barrel of monkeys back to England as a present for Queen Elizabeth I. By the time he finished his circumnavigation of the globe most of the monkeys were dead from scurvy but that just made it funnier. The Virgin Queen really got a kick out of that one. The actual expression is “more fun than a barrel of dead monkeys” but the people from PETA lobbied to have the word ‘dead’ removed.

Take something that you think is funny, like the time your friend Abe wore a dress and sang Over the Rainbow at the office Christmas party two years ago. Yeah, that was pretty funny. We all laughed about that one for weeks. Now just imagine a monkey doing that. Now it’s at least twice as funny. Conan O’Brien has a big fat monkey as a sidekick and look at him. Conan is bigger than the Pope. Johnny Carson had a fat ape sidekick and he ruled late night TV for a quarter century.

It isn’t always convenient to have a chimpanzee at your beck and call 24 hours a day. If it were that easy every dork in boat shoes and a pager clipped to his belt would be knocking the ladies dead at the local bar. The truth is that you can’t always have a monkey around to do the work for you. They are filthy little creatures that shit everywhere and sometimes they can become excedingly violent. Don’t despair; I have other things to teach you.

Another key to being funny is this: DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell a joke. Jokes are generally devoid of all humor. If the joke was funny that is because someone else came up with it. If you repeat it that doesn’t make you funny. I can read Shakespeare but that doesn’t mean I can write plays. If you absolutely must tell a joke make sure that it is completely tasteless and sick. Example: any joke that starts out like this “This pedophile serial killer is walking into the woods at night with this little boy…”* If you can’t make people laugh, at least you can offend them, which is almost as good. Most humor is completely tasteles and offensive. Why do you think fart jokes have been the bread and butter of comedians since Aristophanes?


*Thoroughly tasteless punch line available upon e-mail request

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