Quantcast

Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Trump's Letters to the Parents of Fallen Soldiers



The real estate mogul then took a swing at McCain, whom he said he had supported in 2008.

“He’s not a war hero,” Trump® said mockingly. “He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.”

If Trump® mocked John McCain for being captured during war just imagine the disdain he must hold for those U.S. troops killed in action. Below are drafts of letters Trump® will send to the parents of soldiers fallen in battle.

“Navy SEALs, totally over-rated. I like winners, not losers. What says 'loser' more than dying? Winners live and losers die. Do I need to spell this out for you? Your kid just didn’t have what it takes. A total embarrassment to the nation.”

Another:

“He was crap at running serpentine. One of the worst I’ve ever seen. Granted, running serpentine wouldn’t have helped him as he was blown up inside his tank but still. He should have tried harder at running in a zigzag, you know, manner.”

And:

“I knew kids like yours back when I served. I wore the uniform for four proud years but the difference is that I survived, I survived four long years at New York Military Academy unlike your son who obviously wasn’t very good at war stuff like me.”

Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Worst Things in Life Are Free

This tree is an argument against adoption.


By the time you read this I may already be dead. Just to warn you in case you stop by my place and notice a horrifying stench coming from under the door which can only mean my rotting corpse or perhaps a very botched attempt at a curry. The cause of death will almost certainly be that I was impaled on the evil palm tree that I found in the trash and nursed back to health. I now realize that the previous owner tried to make this plant die a slow horrible death and it probably deserved that fate but I came along and commuted the sentence.

The tips of the fronds on this palm are as sharp as needles so it’s basically like having a knife tree in my house. I didn’t really consider this fact before I brought it in the door, somewhat overwhelmed by the spirit of rescuing a half-dead tree that stands about a meter and a half tall. I have it quarantined behind a bookshelf, as you can see, but the best place for it is probably inside of the dumpster.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Insane Clown President by Matt Taibbi

Insane Clown President: Dispatches from the 2016 CircusInsane Clown President: Dispatches from the 2016 Circus by Matt Taibbi
My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Consider this book the autopsy on the ascension of Trump®, a populist, man-of-the-people leader who hasn’t ever pumped his own gas. Hell, I’d wager that the guy has never flushed his own toilet and leaves that task for lesser humans—and everyone is a lesser human in his eyes. Now it will be the American people forced to clean up after the dump he takes on what remains of our democracy.

Equal parts trenchant and hilarious, Insane Clown President is perfect reading to get you through these rocky initial days of the Trump administration and a good preparation for the horror that is sure to come, because we elected a reality TV buffoon as our commander in chief. So what did you expect? If this represents the death of our democracy Taibbi quickly leads us to the murder weapon: television news and much of the media, in general. We have turned the news into a consumer product that people can change to suit their individual tastes like they do for all other products.

What we call right-wing and liberal media in this country are really just two different strategies of the same kind of nihilistic lizard-brain sensationalism. The ideal CNN story is a baby down a well, while the ideal Fox story is probably a baby thrown down a well by a Muslim terrorist or an ACORN activist. Both companies offer the same service, it’s just that the Fox version is a little kinkier.

When people wish to argue politics with me the first thing I ask them is to tell me what they read to arrive at their political views. More often than not the response is the Sarah Palin-esque “I read everything” which, as with her, means the almost exact opposite which means that they can’t be bothered to read anything at all, at least nothing longer than a slogan that fits beneath a photo on some idiotic post they saw on Facebook. Welcome to the post-literate age where there are facts and alternative facts to fit any narrative.

If I have any complaint with Taibbi as a writer it is his constant use of the most arcane pop culture references to make his points. I guess this works if you are in on the reference but I wonder how readers ten years from now will view this book as he obviously is looking ahead a bit with his mention of Hunter Thompson. I happen to think that Taibbi is a much better reporter than Thompson and perhaps even funnier. I also don’t know why he doesn’t attribute some of the funnier lines in the book to his fellow reporters. He’s a reporter so why doesn’t he write down the name of the guy who quipped, “His lawn mower is gay?” after the Wisconsin governor said that marriage freedoms would open the door to someone walking down the aisle with his lawn mower. Or after Ted Cruz claims that some kids gave him money from their lemonade stand for his campaign. After Cruz drops out shortly thereafter another of Taibbi’s anonymous colleague asks, “Does he get to use the lemonade money to pay campaign debts?”

Here is a perfect example of Taibbi at his best, being both trenchant and hilarious:

If this isn’t the end for the Republican Party, it’ll be a shame. They dominated American political life for 50 years and were never anything but monsters. They bred in their voters the incredible attitude that Republicans were the only people within our borders who raised children, loved their country, died in battle or paid taxes. They even sullied the word “American” by insisting they were the only real ones. They preferred Lubbock to Paris, and their idea of an intellectual was Newt Gingrich. Their leaders, from Ralph Reed to Bill Frist to Tom DeLay to Rick Santorum to Romney and Ryan, were an interminable assembly line of shrieking, witch-hunting celibates, all with the same haircut—the kind of people who thought Iran-Contra was nothing, but would grind the affairs of state to a halt over a blow job or Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube.”

I just decided to change the name of my make-believe punk rock band to Terri Schiavo's Feeding Tube.


View all my reviews

Monday, January 23, 2017

Life is Beautiful



 Life is Beautiful

The power of nature never ceases to amaze me except when it’s disgusting like today when I saw a seagull swoop down on the street and fly away with a rat that had been squashed by a car.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

The Gala of the Century!



(This was something that I posted on Facebook)

(CNN) - Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down and Lee Greenwood will headline a concert for President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration, his inaugural committee announced. Earlier in the evening there will be a magic show, a juggler will perform, and there will be balloon animals for the kids. Admission price is $599.99 and includes a “Make America Great Again” ball cap. Proof of citizenship is required.

How about a mariachi band made up of Trump impersonators? Somebody must have thought that up already, right? Just the thought makes me happy. It's like the Tuesday night line-up at a Holiday Inn somewhere in rural Alabama or the grand opening of a Taco Bell. I wonder if Lee is going to sing “I’m Proud to be an American.” I was going to google 3 Doors Down then thought to myself, “Why the fuck would you do that?”

They are rolling out some real titans of the entertainment industry for the Inauguration Day on Friday. I can’t make it because I’ll be busy digging a bomb shelter and stocking up on canned goods. What’s your excuse?

NOTICE! Please don’t tell me to “get over it and move on” or “just give Trump a chance” or tell me that I should respect the office of POTUS. First of all, I’m not one of these “not my president” types. And fuck you, give Trump a chance. The very first thing on his agenda is to deny health care—once again—to 18 million Americans just because they want to do everything possible to destroy Obama’s legacy. Don’t give me any bullshit like we can’t afford it because these same folks didn’t say a word when we were blowing up Iraq and building Pizza Huts there for America soldiers presumably in for the very long haul. Lastly, I won’t be lectured on respecting the office of  POTUS from a guy who seems to be using it to further his shady businesses.

Please don’t confuse your right to free expression with me not giving a shit about your stupid and mostly misinformed views.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Make America Sane Again, Please! Quickly!




“What? Not another insulting piece about President-elect Trump®! Why don’t you at least give him a chance before you criticize him?” OK, as soon as he stops being a maniac I’ll stop but his press conference on Wednesday displayed just what this guy is made of: bile, insults, childishness, and stupidity.

If Trump loses his mind over chicken shit like a bad review of his restaurant just think what will happen when he is pilloried in the press every day for his shit policies. He will go from being the most known man on the planet to the most hated in a couple of months. He’s going to spend every waking hour tweeting insults to his enemies who will rank in the tens of millions. The European press is already horrified by the mere thought of him being in charge so I can only imagine that the tone among journalists here will soon reach new levels of vitriol.

As Trump® is about to get flayed allow me to borrow a line from Jack Reacher, “Remember. You wanted this.” Although this may not be entirely accurate because I truly think that the man didn’t really want to become president. He just wanted to sort of playact the part, like a role on a TV program.

How will this all end? Not well, I’m quite sure of that. Bill Maher hit the nail on the head when he quipped that Trump® has the impulse control of a grease fire. I can’t see him improving in this area anytime soon and he certainly isn’t going to get any smarter, not in this lifetime. Stupid, poorly informed or misinformed, and as petulant as you would expect any hyper-rich 11 year old child to be, these are not traits that make for a good leader of any country. I would feel uncomfortable seeing him as the president of El Salvador.