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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Absolute Last Resort in Parenting Advice


Although I don’t have any fancy degrees I did take an introductory psychology class Pass/Fail before being expelled from college. Pass/Fail? You’d think that my odds were at least 50/50, a coin toss, but I came up short on that little wager. Anyway, I didn’t let a botched academic career and two felony convictions get in the way of becoming a world-renowned child behavior analyst and talk show host. Today I’m here to answer questions about your little—and often extremely violent—balls of joy. I may not have kids of my own but at least I’m not helping to raise tomorrow’s prison population which makes me practically a hero in today’s America.

Dear Absolute Last Resort in Parenting Advice,

My 12 year old boy is a completely squirrely, anti-social moron who suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and a host of other mental issues even though I allow him to watch at least eleven hours of television a day.  He is also permitted unlimited and unsupervised use of video games. What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely, Exasperated in Eau Claire

Dear EiEC,

Keep doing what you’re doing. I can’t imagine your parenting habits have anything to do with your child’s creepiness. Blame his teachers.

Dear ALRiPA,

For Christmas I bought my daughter a Nokia Lumia cell phone for Windows. When she opened it on Christmas morning she burst into tears and hurled the unwanted gift in my face. I took the phone back that same day and replaced it with the iPhone she wanted. My question is this: Do you think that I have already done irreparable damage to my daughter’s self-esteem by suggesting with the original gift that she didn’t deserve the iPhone?

Yours Truly, Chipped Tooth Mom in Chattanooga

Dear CTMiC,

What kind of monster would buy their child anything but a Blackberry or an iPhone? I would say that you are worse than Hitler except that Hitler had the sense not to have children. You need to accept the fact that your daughter will one day be a serial killer…if you’re lucky. If you aren’t she could grow up to work on Fox News.

Dear ALRiPA,

When my seven year old child gets upset he often strikes me either with his bare fists or with whatever toy he happens to be playing with at the time of the outburst. I’m afraid that if I try to block the blows I may hurt my little angel. Any suggestions?

Regards, Worried and Bruised in Bakersfield

Dear Worried and Bruised,

Although a seven year old can indeed inflict some serious damage they usually don’t have the stamina or heart to go the full 12 rounds. Simply allow him to get in his licks and eventually he will tire himself out. Remember to keep a bag of frozen peas around to reduce swelling in his knuckles. I'd also suggest that you do nothing to rile him when he's playing baseball...at least when he's at bat.

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