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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Ten People You Should Kill Before You Die and Go to Heaven (before they die of natural causes)

You can call this the bucket list of other people’s buckets you would like to kick. Or how about, Ten People I’d Like to Meet in Heaven but I Want Them to Show Up Years Before I Do. I’m not talking about going on some amateur rampage after loading up at the corner gun shop.  No, I’m talking about tracking down ten people you really don’t like and relieve them of their ability to breath in the same air as you or watch the same shows on HBO. If you plan this right you could kill two birds with one stone by combining this list with the ten places you want to visit before you die. This would be kind of like if Jason Bourne had a show on the travel network.  If there is a better example of “multi-tasking” I’d like to hear it.

When you finally fulfill your dream of visiting China you could assassinate one of those oppressive communist bosses and cross a line off of both lists. Maybe you will see a panda in the wild as you bushwhack through a dense Chinese forest while being pursued by ruthless thugs from the state security apparatus. Pandas are fairly harmless but if I were you I’d fire off a few warning shots with your serial numberless AK47 just to let the bear know that close is OK but no touching, please.

When you finally get to visit Universal Studios in Los Angeles maybe you’ll run into the executive who cancelled Growing Pains and you can strangle him in a men’s room stall? It could happen. There are many magic moments in life; you just have to take full advantage of them when they are presented to you. Enjoy the tour!

Or how about when you and your son go to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame and who do you think is signing autographs that day? It’s that son of a bitch who blew the World Series for your team when you were eight years old. You’ve had all these years to fantasize about how you would do it but when you finally meet the guy face-to-face you may just have to settle for pushing him down a flight of stairs. It’s not very dramatic but it will be easier to explain to your son than pistol-whipping the ex-pitcher and throwing his lifeless corpse down an elevator shaft. Maybe his rookie card that you have been using for the purposes of voodoo will finally be worth something after he has passed on. You know what they say; when one door closes another one opens. In this case it’s a fire exit so run like hell and stick to your story if the cops catch you.

Remember that high school English teacher who gave you an F which forced you to repeat the 12th grade? How were you supposed to know that he would put stuff on the test about Of Mice and Men that wasn’t in the movie version? I mean, it’s not like you had time to read the book, you had a fake ID as a senior so you could buy your own beer. Of course you remember him, especially when he would calmly do the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink as you sweated through his in-class essay assignments. Good news, my friend, he is taking his grandson to visit the Taj Mahal. Here’s a crossword clue for you, teach: Four letter word for the last city you will ever see in your miserable life of pedantry. Give up? Agra!

This is so much fun that I should have thought of it years ago, like before Hitler died. I’d love to see Berlin in the spring. It would have been great to take out a genocidal creep like Pol Pot while taking in the natural beauty of Cambodia. Where did they say Osama bin Laden is hiding? I bet it’s lovely there this time of year. Ah, the places you will visit; the ruthless pricks you will see take their last breath. Now where did I put my passport and garroting wire?

(I wrote this a long time ago and couldn't find it on the blog)

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