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Monday, April 04, 2011

How to Make People Like You

Getting people to like you isn’t always easy, at least when you aren’t paying them. First impressions are important, especially when the encounter doesn’t include you pulling some big bills out of your wallet while you idle at a corner in a shady part of town. Think of this guide as a way to make your other inter-personal relationships as easy as picking up a transvestite street walker. If even that simple task poses a challenge for you then perhaps you should start with our primer book, How to Make People Not Despise You in 60 Seconds.

Look, if you want people to like you in less than a minute you could read a book with a bunch of completely hokey and unbelievably commonsensical parables from “real life” or you could take the easy way out and show people your boobs. This only works for women so men need another strategy, and I don’t mean showing another body part. Men need to dig a little deeper if they are looking to be accepted immediately.  

As incredibly silly as it may seem, most books on this subject actually give you stock phrases to say to strangers, like some kind of foreign language phrase book for the conversationally challenged.   All of the examples have the same feel as suggestions on the package of where to place the fake puke you bought at the gag store.  But who the hell am I to go against the advice handed out in the best-sellers?

Health issues are an excellent topic to break the ice with a total stranger.  Try these the next time you meet someone at the grocery store:

Do you think I should see a doctor about this rash on the inside of my leg?
If I have three cholera symptoms does that mean I have it?
Don’t get me started, I could write a book on things that penicillin can’t cure.

At the laundromat:

Call me an optimist but I think I can get this stain out. What do you think?
Is it OK to mix blood-stained clothes with this other stuff covered in...well, just believe me when I tell you that you don't want to know what this is?
Would you like to get a cup of coffee…in my creepy-looking van out back?

 People like people who have a sense of humor, or at least that’s what everyone says. My experience tells me that people like the above mentioned body parts along with cash and shiny, precious metals. This is why men wear gold and silver chains. An easy way to insure that you are wearing enough jewelry is to jump into a swimming pool. If you are unable to swim to the surface this means that you have accessorized correctly. Just a little longer and you’ll break the record for holding your breath! Don’t give up! If you don’t have breasts but you do have a healthy fear of drowning then you may need a sense of humor.

Perhaps instead of trying to get total strangers to like you in the first minute you should work on making people appreciate you who really matter? Who cares if the guy in the hardware store thinks you’re a swell guy if your own mother won’t answer your calls? How about this for a book title, Make at Least a Few People Like You in One Lifetime. Perhaps you should try paying them.

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