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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

How to Meet Women

You may have heard of me, I’m an internationally known pick-up artist with over 33,000 confirmed sexual conquests, or “kills” as we call them in the business (by “confirmed” I mean that you can see them on Youtube). I’ve written a half a dozen books on how to pick-up women and last year I was on the lead float in the New Orleans Sexually Transmitted Disease Day parade.  I am featured in the November issue of the American Journal of Medicine in an article about incurable viruses.  I’ve been on Oprah and Dr. Phil (scored with Oprah and got to third base with Dr. Phil).  I’m here today to help you to meet and have relations with women—lots of them.

Let’s face it, most of us men aren’t going to win any awards for charm these days and women can’t seem to put down the vampire books long enough to give men who don’t wear fatal levels of eye-liner a chance.  Communication between the sexes hasn’t been this bad since the invention of language. Who is to blame for this impending civil war? I blame professional sports and Sex and the City. For the most part, women don’t appreciate televised golf and the subtext behind shows like Sex and the City is more arcane to men than the rules to cricket. Men just aren’t capable of understanding why a girl would pay $500 for a pair of high heel shoes and women have much better ways to spend their time than listening to you talk about your high score on HALO.

A lot of experts will tell you that if you want to be successful with women you need to learn how to be yourself, be natural. That may be true for some but in your case nothing could be more detrimental to your chances for hooking up than you being yourself. Come on, look at you.  You just spent an entire Sunday exploring new applications on your cell phone and the day before you wasted nine hours looking at Youtube videos of sports bloopers.  You need to be completely not like you to get lucky. I’m here to help you be someone else, someone more appealing, attractive, intriguing, and interesting which will be really easy since those aren’t exactly your strong points.

Screaming obscenities from a construction site isn’t the only way to attract women.  There are other time-honored, never-fail techniques for getting babes.  How about grabbing your crotch and making grinding motions?  Have you tried honking your horn at a woman walking down the street? OK, if that doesn’t work have you tried peeling out after you honk at her? The problem with this is you’ll be a half a block down the street by the time your wheels stop spinning.  Very often the thrill you feel will make you forget why you peeled out in the first place, so you do it again.  If none of these techniques are working for you then you may have a serious problem.  I can’t believe those don’t work; maybe you are doing them wrong.

We’ll start from scratch in your case. You will be like a mound of clay to be shaped into a new form. Actually, you do look like a lump of clay wearing really bad clothes.  First we need to improve your conversation skills. I’ll assume that English is your native language although you don’t give much evidence of that in normal situations where you get by mostly with a series of grunts and monosyllables. We’ll begin by prepping you on a few ideas you can use for talking to women.  Every Pick-Up artist will tell you that women appreciate good grooming so here are a few topics for conversation in that area:

     1) Things you dug out of your ear with a Q-Tip.
     2) Diseases not easily cured with the “miracle drug” penicillin.
     3) Mole hairs: Should you shave or pluck?

The key ingredient to being a great pick-up artist is speed. If you are looking to have multiple sex partners every single day you can’t waste time with things like getting completely undressed. This is why you should just drop your pants around your ankles while making love so there is no need to remove your shoes. There is another school of thought that advises you to always wear sweat pants and slip-on shoes but that’s too casual for my style.  The sex act itself must also be lightening fast so that you can move on to your next conquest. No more than two or three thrusts and you’re out of there. If possible, just leave your car running down on the street with the caution lights on.

You also don’t want to waste a lot of time with small talk that may lead nowhere. Just move in and get her phone number.  For extracting vital information in subjects I take my pointers directly from the CIA manual on military interrogations. Remember; always keep the subject on the defensive. Do this by keeping up a heavy barrage of questions, pointing your finger in her face, and using sleep deprivation techniques. Waterboarding is a very effective manner to get information but requires a lot of hardware that may be difficult to install at a nightclub VIP lounge.


  1. sure glad I'm married, those lumps of clay don't sound too appealing!

  2. LMAO! I can only hope there remain a few good renaissance men still out there. We females need help reversing the steady decline of Western civilization... and courtship rituals. KB


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