Class and Society:

TAKE A NUMBER

Recently I have found that when I look through the newspaper in the morning I invariably stop on the full page of camera advertisements. I purchased a modest little Nikon digital camera a few months ago and already I have camera envy. I look with longing at the ad for the Nikon D-70 6.1 megapixel camera. I try to imagine how my life would be different with such a camera in my possession. My guess is that I would be dating a movie star or something. To be honest, I have no fucking idea who or what a megapixel really is, but I know that more of them is somehow better than fewer.

Everything you purchase should be numbered like digital cameras. Say you buy a pair of shoes, along with the size they should be numbered as to their quality and price. That sort of system already exists for all practical purposes but numbering objects would save us all a lot of time and energy. A product would be rated on a scale from 1-10. This system would obviate the advertising industry as we know it today. Most ads on TV and in print are not about giving information about the product, but about the status the product will confer upon the buyer.

Cars could have the numbers right on the hood. An economy car would have a 1 while a luxury sedan would rate a 10. The numbers would be subject to change. If you bought a used 10 it would be down-graded accordingly. You can no longer pretend like you are rich by driving a ten year old piece of crap BMW. If you bought a used 1 (God, you are such a loser!) some sort of sub-1, humiliating symbol would replace the 1.

Engagement ring purchases would certainly be easier under this new system. We could do away with those silly diamonds entirely. You could just buy a ring with a number on it. “Oh my God, you got a 10! He must love you so much.” Under the present system of actual diamonds we are forced to carry around a jeweler’s glass and be experts in gemology in order to be judgmental about some girl’s ridiculous engagement ring stone. I mean, to hell with cut and clarity; just give me a number. Does he love you enough to buy you a 10 or not? I happen to think you are worth it.

Let’s take this a step further. I just saw some tech dork walk by with one of those ID cards held around her neck with a lanyard. We could just force everyone to wear one of those things but instead of an ID there would be a copy of your W2 Form. Under this system you wouldn’t have to buy much. If you make a lot you could take the bus and still impress people.