Yes, We Have No Fakes

A while back I wrote an essay entitled “National Boycott Fake T#ts Week.” I spelled the slang term for breasts correctly in the essay and I have paid the price since then. Leftbanker is now the number three spot out of a possible 230,000 in a Google search for “fake t#ts” (henceforth referred to as fakes so as to fool Google’s search algorithms). This is a message to all of the creeps stumbling onto this page with their pants down around their ankles: This web page has no pictures of women’s breasts, either surgically enhanced or otherwise. I would say that my page has probably deflated more erections than parents returning early from a night out or an improperly-locked bathroom door.

If you want to look at fakes just turn on the TV or drive around town and check out billboards for shitty beer like Coors Light and Bud Light. I was watching a Mariner's game and I saw a commercial for some men’s hair color product that had literally dozens of girls in bikinis with fakes. I turned to the girl next to me and asked her why they didn’t just use hardcore pornography to sell Maxim. Her answer was brilliant. “Because they can’t,” she said.

At what point does a culture get so inundated with sexual messages that they lose their intended function of eliciting sexual arousal? I think that we have already beat the dead horse of sex so often and for so long that we have become a culture that probably has less sex per capita than any culture that has ever inhabited this earth. This excludes masturbation, of course. I’m not knocking masturbation but generally speaking it is for people who can’t get sex and for adults with partners it should not be a substitute. I have heard many women complain that their boyfriends would rather jerk off to porn than make love to them.

How much lower can we set the bar for women’s fashion? I’m not suggesting that we go the way of Muslim cultures but I do think it is way too much for women to walk around with their asses hanging out of their pants or their breasts falling out of their tops. What is next? Exposed labia? I think that we have a lot to learn in this country concerning the differences between sex and sexy.

I would guess that the number of women opting for breast enhancement surgery in Los Angeles is somewhere around 25% and in the entertainment industry that figure is probably closer to 90%. What the fuck is wrong with men that they need comic book huge fakes to coax anything resembling an erection from their dormant glands? Do some push-ups or something, guys. Get in shape and you won’t need a hand full of Viagra and two whoppers to get the blood flowing south.

Don’t look to me for the answers to the great questions of sexuality. I simply ask the questions. I consider myself to be a philosopher more than anything and philosophy doesn’t give out the answers. Religion always seems to have the answers to everything which is why I choose to be an atheist.