Things to Say to Uncouth Male Pigs

Why do guys insist on saying vulgar and inappropriate things to women they don’t know? For that matter why do they say vulgar and inappropriate things to women they DO know? I don’t know. Do the guys even know? I doubt it. I think they think that they are being flattering and charming when they are in fact being vulgar and have no chance of eliciting anything other than contempt from the object of their remarks.

While living in Latin American many years ago I learned (from men) that men are expected to offer compliments to women. The compliments are somewhat harmless, things like “You have pretty eyes” or some such tripe. These little compliments are called piropos in Spanish. The male is simply trying to get the woman to smile or turn her head. I was mostly embarrassed by my Peruvian friends who were trying to coach me on this “integral” aspect of Latin culture. I would chide them that this sort of sexual harassment (That phrase was still waiting to be coined) never lead to an introduction, let alone to sex. I didn’t see the point.

Latin culture is a sexist culture; most cultures are, unfortunately. I feel that our own culture here in the USA is growing more egalitarian and more sexist with every passing year and every Coors Light commercial featuring women with huge fake jugs.

Try one of these lines the next time some slob offers up some remark about a part of your anatomy that he has absolutely no chance of ever seeing:

I’ll bet your girlfriend is home having the best sex of her life right now.

I have this uncanny knack, call it a gift if you like. I can guess your wife’s weight. (Put the back of your hand to your forehead and close your eyes in mock concentration). I’m going to guess 285 pounds. I’m close aren’t I?

I’m really sorry your girlfriend dumped you because you're such a big fucking loser but you shouldn't feel the need to take it out on all women by reducing them to objects.

Why don’t you go call your mother and talk about this problem you have with women. I’ll bet she can help.

If you have any other suggestions I’d love to hear them.