Maybe My Dick Is too Small?

How is a guy supposed to know that his penis is too small? It’s not like I’ve seen a lot of them. I’ve seen porno’s but everyone says that TV adds ten pounds to people and I guess it all goes right down there. I have noticed that women laugh when they see me for the first time. When I ask them what is so funny they all say, “Oh, just something funny that happened at work today.” That always convinces me and two minutes later I’m sleeping like a baby. Sometimes I wake up long enough to ask if my date can please turn her vibrator to low so a guy can get some shut eye.

Another thing that makes me wonder about myself is all the e-mails I get about increasing my size. Some of them actually use my name so perhaps someone told them that I am lacking in that department. Did someone give my name out?

If you use hotmail you are pretty familiar with these ads for penis enlargement. I suppose this is the price one pays for being on the internet. I came across one of these claims in a full-page ad in Men’s Journal. What am I doing subscribing to Men’s Journal? I think it was a gift. No really. I get lots of magazines. Wait a second; I’m not on trial here.

We all agree that Men’s Journal is a total piece of shit but it is a mainstream magazine that has a huge circulation. All of this gives an air of legitimacy to anything found within and subsequently to this product. The ad reads:

BE THE BIGGET MAN YOUR LOVER EVER HAD!

Nothing, I mean NOTHING will beat the look on your lover s [sic] face when she sees it for the first time…watching her gasp..almost in disbelief…with a slight look of FEAR in her eyes.

Not lust, mind you, but fear. It is fairly obvious that this ad is geared towards the no-dick dudes who get laughed at when they drop’em. This product promises a sort of glandular revenge. You’ll be packing a little bit of Charles Bronson in your pants if their claims have any merit.

Why should I settle for “a slight look of fear?” If I’m going to do this I’m going to do it right. I want abject terror when I whip it out. I want villagers running for their lives in panic like in some bad Japanese monster movie from the 1960’s.

I shudder to think of the resources this society has spent on cosmetics: minor weight loss, breast and penis enhancement, hair loss, et cetera. If only we were so self-conscious of our intellectual shortcomings. If we put a fraction of the energy and resources into our minds that we put into our asses we would, in 10 years, make all of the accomplishments of the Renaissance look like the cultural equivalent of an episode of 3’s Company by comparison.

But instead of a new Renaissance we are a nation obsessed with our abs. We care little for what a woman has to say just as long as her jugs arrive two minutes before she does. A guy will undergo $10,000 worth of hair transplants but he won’t take the time to read a Shakespeare play. I’m not the smartest guy in the world but I give myself credit for being ashamed of my ignorance. I have met adults who couldn’t name 10 states and they couldn’t care less. What can this mean for a civilization?