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Tuesday, July 02, 2002

In a Perfect World

Like they say, if you don’t have a dream then dreams can’t come true.

At the federal penitentiary in Joliet, Illinois convicted insider trading felon Martha Stewart begins taping her new program Martha Stewart Living in Lock Down. On today’s show Martha will demonstrate to fellow inmates how to make an attractive shiv out of a lunch tray. Tomorrow’s topic Convincing Your Cellmate it’s Time to Redecorate.

In a unanimous decision handed down today concerning the separation of church and state, the U.S. Supreme court has ruled that corporate-sponsored celebrity worship is illegal. A tough new “3 strikes and you’re out” law now limits actors to three staring film roles. Justice David Suter spoke to reporters outside the courthouse today. “The court tried to do this years ago but for some reason Thorogood Marshall was a big Pauli Shore fan.” Steve Gutenberg plans to fight the ruling. "I think I have one more Police Academy movie in me." In response to Gutenberg's criticism of the ruling Justice Suter replied, "I rest my case."

Corporate officers of failed conglomerates have been forced to work at minimum wage jobs for two years while living in a half-way house for the ethically challenged. They will be required to balance their own checkbooks with the standard $25 penalty imposed for fudging the books. The comings and goings of the house will be filmed and broadcast on MTV’s Real World “Den of Corporate Jackals” edition.

The fate of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict was finally settled when both parties agreed to abide by the LEFTBANKER ACCORDS in which one party will remain in Israel/Palestine and the other will be allowed to emigrate to the U.S. where each family will be given a Starbuck’s franchise, a $500 gift certificate to the Gap, and a 10 year old Honda Accord. Both parties wanted the emigration option. The matter was settled once and for all with a 3 on 3 basketball game. Palestine won on a last second three-pointer by Amid Malek. Arafat and Sharon were both held scoreless in the heated match. Sharon fouled out in the first minute of play for repeatedly ordering rocket attacks on the Palestinian cheerleaders. Malek was highly critical of Arafat’s performance in the game. “Would it kill that pussy to take a charging foul once in a while? All he wants is an easy lay-up.” Malek immediately removed his Palestine jersey after the game and wore an official Major League Baseball Sammy Sosa jersey during the press conference. Malek explained that his inspired play in the game was a result of his being singled out by Hamas as the next suicide bomber if the Palestinians lost. A winded Arafat told reporters, "It is to Disneyland where I am soon going there."

Internationally renowned writer and multi-billionaire, Leftbanker, has paid Adam Sandler a reported $2 billion to never make another movie as long as Sandler lives. The alledged comedian is also under contractual obligation to be cremated so that he can’t make any movies after his demise in the Weekend at Bernie’s tradition.

As long as we’re dreaming:

After years of defeat at the hands of the Yankees the Seattle Mariners swept the Yankees in the first ever intra-league World Series. Japanese hitting sensation Ichiro went 24-24 in the series. After the humiliating defeat, Yankees ace Roger Clemmens said, “I hate Ichiro. I tried to throw a pitch at his head and he knocked it into the gap for a double.” In a nod to baseball history, Ichiro, like the Babe before him, pointed to where he would hit the ball. However, instead of the left field bleachers Ichiro pointed to a spot four feet in front of the plate where he dropped down a bunt for a base hit.

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