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Thursday, March 28, 2002

Time To Lighten Up and Mellow Out

It has been brought to my attention by several readers that my writing style is a little too caustic to attract the younger target audience. One young reader, 16 year old Josh Henshaw of Taylorville, Kentucky, wrote in with this question: Is it true that you write all of your daily posts while sitting in a small, dark room with a loaded gun in your mouth? Ha ha, well you’re half right, Josh. I'm kicking off a few new features that should prove, once and for all, that I’m not an old sour puss and that I can write for the younger audience. I hope you enjoy it.


Multi-talented mega-star Cher turns 77 today. Happy Birthday, Babe. Interviewed in her 85 room Beverly Hills home Cher said that she will spend the day with her great great grand children and undergoing a series of blood transfusions. All I gotta say is man, can that hag rock or what?

11 year old Frankie Muniz, star of the popular Fox series Malcolm in the Middle, was arrested and released today at the Dallas-Fort Worth Municipal courthouse on charges of assault with felonious attempt and possession of bootleg Xbox video game cartridges. Two area transvestites remain in serious but stable condition at Saint John’s Medical Center from injuries they received in an apparent rough sex session with the young actor in a cheap motel room. Muniz was released on bond and returned to his home in Malibu, California to attend a benefit gala sponsored by the Save the Children Foundation. The only statement the young star released to the press was this: "I left the money on the dresser and I broke my high score on Dark Summit."

Teen sensations Britney Spears and Shakira were treated and released today from Mount Sinai Medical Center in NY after injuries incurred while the two fought each other in an argument over which one had more natural looking fake boobs. Miss Spears lost two front teeth in the cat fight and Shakira suffered saline poisoning when one of her implants burst after being stomped by the spike-healed Spears. The two continue to be friends and are planning a tour together this summer.

Show biz laments the passing of two comedy legends Dudley Moore and Milton Berle. They say these things come in 3's. (Please God, please let it be Adam Sandler).


In an effort to cut down on bothersome original content on this page I will pass along this mind-numbingly entertaining questionnaire:

1) What would you do if you only had one day to live?
I would return my World’s Funniest Skateboarding Fatalities video to Blockbuster, get a haircut, and do at least three loads of laundry.

2) If you won the $25 million state lottery what would you do?
Talk about a no-brainer. I would fix the radio in my car. It is really embarrassing that I have to pound the dash board for all I’m worth to get the connection to work. My life would be so much easier after that.

3) Do you have a favorite season of the year and if so do you perform any sort of ritual human sacrifice in its honor?


That’s all for today, kids. See ya.

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