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Friday, March 01, 2002

Men in Cloggs: The Test

This test is designed to determine whether you are a true Seattle guy, or just someone passing time here waiting for your court date.

1. Before eating a piece of fruit you:

A) wash the organic fruit you purchased at the hyper-expensive coop thoroughly in warm water.
B) make sure you wipe the apple on the ass seat of your pants before eating it, but only if someone is watching so they won't think you're gross.

2. At a restaurant you ask:

A) if the soup is completely vegan, or is it made with chicken stock?
B) "Can I get bacon on that?"

3. Do you:

A) always buy fair trade coffee to help Latin American farmers.
B) come within a hairsbreath of getting into a fist fight with the kitchen workers at the Mexican restaurant next door to your apartment during a tequila-fueled argument over the name of the host on the popular TV variety show Sábado Gigante.

4. To impress your date while dining out at a sushi restaurant you ask the waiter:

A) for an order of ARAME and explain that it is rich in iron and calcium.
B) "Can I get some cheese melted on that and served with a side of ranch dressing?"

5. In unpleasant confrontations with strangers your first reaction is to be:

A) passive-aggressive
B) an asshole

6. While drinking in a pub in Freemont:

A) discuss the genius of Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead.
B) in the warm glow of your third Irish car bomb think you are actually being enlightened when you say you believe that hippies may possibly share some DNA with humans.

7) Your shoe wardrobe contains:

A) several pairs of stylish clogs.
B) my shoe what-robe?

8) Your contribution to conservation causes:

A) dutifully attending every Cascades chapter of the Sierra Club meeting even if it means driving 30-40 miles in your V-10 Ford Excursion while listening to The Love Songs Of Whales on the cd player.
B) you brag about not having a car and taking mass transit but fail to mention your conviction on a vehicular assault charge and losing your license after you drank eleven screaming nazi shots at the company christmas party thus failing miserably in your role as the designated driver.

9) Your insights into the bountiful wilderness of the majestic northwest can be summed up as follows:

A) Man must learn to live in harmony with all of god's creatures.
B) On a recent hunting trip you ate a three-egg bald eagle omlette because you thought it would go well with fried spam.

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