Books: Then and Now

I have almost completely lost my enthusiasm for buying books. I know of few people who have bought more books over the course of their lives than I have. I’ve filled apartments with them, given them away, and started over again in a new area code, state, or country. I’ve already acquired a respectable library here in Spain but in the past year I’ve made few additions to my collection. Have I also given up on reading? Quite the contrary as I have never read more in my life, and I think that’s saying a lot. What has changed is the technology. My eBook reader has usurped my kingdom of paper books. I can’t remember the last time I even read a paper book.

I now have one of the best libraries that I have ever had and it fits in my hand…plus it has a light for reading at night! I have something more monumental than the library of Alexandria and I carry it with me wherever I go. I am never without a book to read. I’m able to read almost any book that I want to read exactly when I want to read it. Upon getting a recommendation from a friend or reading about it somewhere I can find it almost immediately and begin reading. It’s better than even the best public library to which I have had access. Sorry Seattle Public Library, my eBook reader kicks your butt.

I will no longer have to anguish over leaving books behind when and if I move from where I live now. My entire library can come along for the ride. My library used to be a crushing weight but is now as light as a feather. I don’t usually become giddy when discussing technology but eBooks are like a miracle for me. I have no patience for people who say that this new technology is ruining books or literature or history or whatever. Small-minded people said the same about printed books when that technology first usurped the role of the scribes. What is important are the words.

Summer Tomatoes

Here’s a little something that the fancy food bloggers don’t want you to know: the best thing you can eat right now is a salad of summer tomatoes, at least where I live. I went to a lunch the other day at a friend’s house and there was an impressive amount of food all made with care and skill yet for me nothing could top the tomato salad with a bit of chopped garlic and olive oil. I have favored the tomatoes of the Mediterranean since I lived in Greece 30 years ago and good tomatoes have always been something I look for wherever I have lived.

At the one of the corner vegetable shops the other day I bought two small bags of tomatoes, one of higher quality to eat in a salad and the others I planned to use in a sauce. The sauce tomatoes didn’t look too appetizing as they had irregularities and wouldn’t win any prizes in a contest. The higher quality tomatoes were a bit green and would need a day or so to ripen so I cut up one of the ugly tomatoes to eat today. I cut it roughly, added a pinch of salt and a few drops of olive oil and it was delicious. For this photo I added some chopped garlic, a few olives, and some freshly cut basil (I have a couple plants on my little balcony).

This is about as good as food gets. Of course, there are endless variations on this tomato salad theme. You can add a few spoons of canned tuna, red onions macerated in vinegar, or whatever you have in the kitchen. Top this off with a piece of bread and a glass of wine and you have a meal you’d be thrilled with in a restaurant.

Bicycles Are the Enemy!

Hag late for yoga

"It now takes me 20 minutes to get to my yoga class and I'm often late,” said one commuter. “This is a terrible cluster."

Wow, what a moronic hag! Exactly what I pictured in my head: 50-something over-privileged creep who probably screams at waitresses who aren’t running fast enough for her. I'd bet $100 that’s she’s blaring either Barbara Streisand or Yanni on her stereo. Here’s a news bulletin: if you're driving 20 minutes to exercise you are an eco-criminal. I only hope that there was someone standing by to perform the Heimlich Maneuver after she started choking to death on her own irony.

Why do all these people even live in Boulder if they are going to be such raging assholes? The local eye-shitness news report was perfectly dreadful, as you would expect. They began their story with their own deeply-entrenched mindset and they didn't stop until their foregone conclusion was settled. Just look at how they lead in to the story. “We all know that Boulder can be a bike-friendly town but has the city gone too far? That’s what some people are saying.” And by "some people" they mean a few cherry-picked douche bags sitting on their fat asses inside their cars and one mildly-retarded reporter.

My question to the people of Boulder is this: why aren’t more of you getting around on bikes? I would have asked every driver waiting at the light how far they were going and wouldn’t it have been possible to make the trip in foot or on a bike...and don't they notice that people on bikes aren't stressing out and throwing temper tantrums.

I would also wager that most people who live in Boulder rave about how cool and progressive it is to all of their former friends back in Kansas or wherever the hell they come from. Cool is OK as long as I don't have to wok up a sweat. Pseudo-progressives are so ridiculous. How do you define pseudo-progressive? I would start by including anyone who drives 20 minutes to go to yoga yet claims to be a liberal.

And why is every cyclist they show wearing spandex? No wonder so many people hate cyclists.

People, Please Proofread Prior to Publication!

I’ve often wondered if all of those hipster tattoos in Chinese characters are equally as moronic to Chinese people. And have you ever crapped your hands? It hardly makes any noise at all. Maybe I'm doing it wrong (my life story).

In the Year 2565

After decades of watching the best and the brightest in the medical profession gravitate towards cosmetic surgery, world leaders decide that something must be done. Outward appearances become so important that even patients simply in need of something to stop a runny nose are given a bit of a nip and tuck around the eyes. Of course, cold remedies are readily available over-the-counter at pharmacies, but try telling that to a 70 year old hypochondriac and, truth be told, Mrs. Berkovich doesn’t look half bad with the new work.

The last straw comes when a seven year old boy suffering from leukemia goes to the hospital for treatment and is instead given a truly magnificent pair of breasts and a collagen injection in the lips. The public is outraged…strangely aroused but outraged! People demand that something be done to arrest the world’s free-fall into a culture where looks are everything.

After a few years of unsuccessful policies, the world court in The Hague comes up with an idea. A daily exam will be issued to every citizen of the world that must be completed by everyone and then they must wear their answer sheet around their neck for the remainder of that day. Citizens have exactly 20 minutes to complete the exam with a new subject chosen daily. On Mondays, instead of the exam, it's the New York Times crossword puzzle (at first the Friday puzzle was used but its difficulty left most people too embarrassed to leave the house in the morning). 

Every evening at 6 p.m. the subject for the next day’s exam is announced so that people can cram. The transformation of society is astonishing. Instead of “hitting the gym” after work people flock to libraries and bookstores—and not just to buy diet and exercise books like before. The entire fashion industry basically goes down the toilet and people no longer really give a crap about their looks and only care about not humiliating themselves on the morning pop quiz.  

The new edict surpasses all expectations and in only the first week a Victoria's Secret model was laughed off a city bus for her abysmal effort on that day’s exam, a map test. She tried to deflect attention from her exam by wearing a short skirt with no underwear but her fellow commuters howled with merriment at her almost complete ignorance of world geography, especially the part in which she had written “Disneyland” where everyone else on the bus had correctly scribbled “Brazil.” When asked to comment on the incident the top model stated, “I went to Disneyland when I was 10 and I remember that it was down. Right?”

The world was left no less unkind, no less cruel by this policy as smart people can be every bit as mean and bitchy as the beautiful people once were. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose (tomorrow we have a French exam so I've been studying up).