Facebook: Where Shitty Greeting Cards Go to Die

Insert completely stupid inspirational message here.

On sale now and just in time for Valentine's Day or whatever made-up shopping holiday is nearest. Perhaps a completely inappropriate slogan like the NRA's famous, "I'll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands" would work here.

Manual Labor is Way Overrated

A question for anyone who stays up all night watching infomercials: Is there some sort of Ronco® gadget for cleaning artichokes? Because if there is such a thing as an artichoke cleaning gadget and I just wasted 30 minutes in the kitchen cleaning freaking artichokes then I think I’ll throw myself under one of the parades here in Valencia—suicide by marching band.

OK, Ronco® doesn’t make this gadget because I just looked on their website, no kidding. That’s how much cleaning artichokes sucks. And I know what you’re thinking, “Maybe you’re doing it wrong?” which is a pretty safe assumption seeing how you could ask the same thing about everything I do.

On my deathbed* I’m sure that I’ll regret cleaning all those artichokes over the years when I should have gone out and made something of my life besides arroz con costillas y alcachofas. Enough artichokes to make a medium paella leaves you with enough waste to fill a body bag meant for Pau Gasol.

*A bed isn’t my first choice of places where I’d like to die because it implies illness. I’d rather be eaten by a shark than be sick for more than a couple days. Sharks gotta eat too.

Hiatus

I am taking a break from  blogging as I wrap up a bigger writing project I have been collaborating on for the past six weeks. It will be HUGE and I will say more about it in a month or so when it takes more shape. Right now things are going extremely well and I have very high hopes for the project.

Ham Good!

Why live in Spain if you don’t buy a ham once in a while? Even this inexpensive paleta (front leg) is delicious. Fallas will soon be here with brandy, cigars, bullfights, buñuelos y churros, staying out obscenely late, and lots of other bad behavior so it’s not like a bit more jamón is going to kill me.

The Simpsons: 24 Seasons and Still Funny

Not to spoil it for anyone but in this episode Grandpa recreates his youth as the bad guy in professional wrestling. "A thrilling night of senior-on-senior action." The crowd hates him and shows it by throwing objects into the ring. Almost everyone in attendance is ancient and is reflected in what they throw at old Abe.