What is Humor?

Had the blender been switched to "off" this picture wouldn't have been funny, but in the "on" position it's positively hilarious. Why is this so? Can humor be defined? Is it one of those things that you just know it when you see it, like a cat in a blender? Not to veer too far off the subject but when it comes to a death struggle between a cat and a mouse the safe money usually takes the cat but this cat pretty much takes it on the chin 100% of the time. Would the humor value be diminished if just once the cat were to smash the mouse with a shovel or put him in the microwave? Sometimes I just like to reflect on the big issues in life.

Paella Valenciana

El mejor video de una paella valenciana hecha en la manera más tradicional con buenísimos ingredientes. Los caracoles y las alcachofas son un toque maestro.

New Rules for Football

As I sit on my butt watching Sweden and Ukraine fight it out I thought I’d kill two birds and scribble down a few thoughts on what I think would improve this great game.

1)      Eliminate Diving. 

Basically a form of cheating that has crept so far into the sport that reasonable people shrug their shoulders and say, “It’s part of the game.” Part of the fucking game? That’s like saying cancer is a part of your body. If you want to ruin a perfectly beautiful game then sit back and continue to allow this horrible behavior that has become—for some—a team strategy. Faking an injury should be punished with immediate expulsion.

2)       Keep Time.

The clock in football has become an absolute joke. If you aren’t going to respect the fact that the game is divided into two, 45 minute halves then why bother with a watch? I propose that there be not a second of injury time. When the clock hits the 45 minute mark the game should be over unless the ball is sailing towards the goal. If a player is injured then he should either walk it off like an athlete or they should haul his sorry ass of the pitch. The game should never stop except for penalties.

3)      Off-Sides and Goals Should Be Monitored Electronically.

       Period. I doubt that I have ever watched a match that didn’t have at least one shitty off-sides call. Denying a team a goal because a referee was asleep at the wheel is completely unacceptable. The human eye is incapable of watching two separate points simultaneously. On television they already accurately call off-sides electronically so it would be easy enough to implement during games. Ukraine was denied a clear goal against England and Croatia will always believe that Spain’s goal that ousted them from the tournament was off-sides.

4)    Stop Enabling the Defense

    

If there is one thing that football desperately needs it is more goals. The last thing the sport needs to do is to continue enabling the defenders by allowing them to grab a fistful of the attacker’s jersey on every play. Make it an automatic red card offense and it would end.

Mostly Rehashed Shit From Other Essays

Just when you thought there was nothing good on television Hollywood officials report that vast reserves of shitty TV shows have been discovered several hundred meters below the lowest common denominator. Look for these new programs this fall:

 1)      Mike Evans, Dolphin Hunter

2)      So You Think You Can Watch Paint Dry

3)      America’s Top Plumber: The Toilet Whisperer

4)      Celebrity Interviews: Kevin Spacey’s Personal Assistant’s Dog Walker

5)      CSI: Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood

6)      America’s Funniest Home Fatalities

7)      The Rush Limbaugh Gospel Hour

8)    Cyber-Bullying Secrets from the Pros

9)    Interviews with Interviewers: A Talk Show for Talk Show Hosts

10)   Mirror Image: People Watching People Watching TV Watching People Watching TV…

Tapa-Free Valencia

Tapear is a verb we don’t get a chance to use all that much in Valencia.  Tapear means to go out for tapas. I sometimes think that Americans are more familiar with tapas than Valencianos. Unfortunately, tapas aren’t a big deal in Valencia and Cataluña. Too bad for those of us living here because tapas are probably Spain’s greatest contribution to humankind. Tapas may be the biggest contribution to humanity; it’s either tapas or wine.

Of course there are bars that serve tapas here in Valencia but it’s not like in other parts of Spain where every drink you order at a bar comes with a tapa. And I’m not talking about a piece of cheese on a cracker; I mean that after three glasses of wine you’re completely full.  I’m saying that you should cancel your reservations for dinner because sitting down in a restaurant in some parts of Andalucía is when you want to take a break from stuffing your face.

If the tapas is sitting on a piece of bread it’s usually called a montadito or the diminutive of the participle for montar, to mount or place. Today I am going to walk you through how to make a proper tapa, or montadito. Tapas are also one of the most creative aspects of modern Spanish cuisine, and that’s saying a lot. It’s a perfect venue for using your imagination. Look through your shelves and I’ll wager than you already have something that would make a great tapa.

You’ll need a baguette. Although you can’t see it, the one I am using still has both ends intact because I’m not an animal who needs to break off an end and eat it on the way home from the bakery that’s only a half block away like some people I know and I think we know how we are.  I also have some fresh basil grown on my balcony, further proof that I’m not living like an animal.

Some fresh mozzarella although I’m probably being a little generous with that word fresh. By fresh I mean the “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” kind of fresh. Speaking of the polar opposite of fresh, I just threw out something in my fridge that was pretty freaking ghastly, and I’m not exaggerating with the word “ghastly.” I had some sardines and some pickled tomatoes from the market and I meant to pitch the unused sardines and instead threw out the tomatoes.  A week later the sardines were absolutely toxic, even inside two plastic bags and a cheap plastic container that I also threw out. Are you still hungry or should we talk about tapas later?

Now we just need some tomato. Tomato and salt. Tomato and salt and olive oil.  Cut a piece of the bread and stack on some mozzarella, a slice of tomato, some basil and finish with salt and olive oil and you have a montadito of a Caprese salad.  We are sort of mixing Italian with Spanish but anything goes with tapas.