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Monday, June 11, 2012

New Rules for Football

As I sit on my butt watching Sweden and Ukraine fight it out I thought I’d kill two birds and scribble down a few thoughts on what I think would improve this great game.

1)      Eliminate Diving. 

Basically a form of cheating that has crept so far into the sport that reasonable people shrug their shoulders and say, “It’s part of the game.” Part of the fucking game? That’s like saying cancer is a part of your body. If you want to ruin a perfectly beautiful game then sit back and continue to allow this horrible behavior that has become—for some—a team strategy. Faking an injury should be punished with immediate expulsion.

2)       Keep Time.

The clock in football has become an absolute joke. If you aren’t going to respect the fact that the game is divided into two, 45 minute halves then why bother with a watch? I propose that there be not a second of injury time. When the clock hits the 45 minute mark the game should be over unless the ball is sailing towards the goal. If a player is injured then he should either walk it off like an athlete or they should haul his sorry ass of the pitch. The game should never stop except for penalties.

3)      Off-Sides and Goals Should Be Monitored Electronically.

       Period. I doubt that I have ever watched a match that didn’t have at least one shitty off-sides call. Denying a team a goal because a referee was asleep at the wheel is completely unacceptable. The human eye is incapable of watching two separate points simultaneously. On television they already accurately call off-sides electronically so it would be easy enough to implement during games. Ukraine was denied a clear goal against England and Croatia will always believe that Spain’s goal that ousted them from the tournament was off-sides.

4)    Stop Enabling the Defense
If there is one thing that football desperately needs it is more goals. The last thing the sport needs to do is to continue enabling the defenders by allowing them to grab a fistful of the attacker’s jersey on every play. Make it an automatic red card offense and it would end.


  1. 'perfectly beautiful game'? You all right? We have endless numbers of nitwits driving around in their bubble-cars with flags on short plastic flagpoles sticking out of the rear windows honking their horns... Futbolín, now there's a game.

  2. I'm the guy who invented the phrase "talking about sport is the Esperanto of retards." That said, I can't spend all of my free time solving murders or curing cancer. I fucking love football but I also read a lot. Balance.


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