Too Many People; To Few Chimps

There are supposedly seven billion people in the world. By way of comparison, there are only five billion monkeys on the planet which means there aren’t enough to go around for everybody. In a bold and selfless act I hereby relinquish my God-given right to own my own chimp. Do the math, people. There are only three options: either we can kill off two billion people, force apes to procreate more rapidly, or ask for volunteers to go without a simian sidekick.

It's sad to think how far we have declined as a species from the days of Walt Disney films featuring chimps in suits and how we have abandoned that promise of monkey friends for one and all.

Córdoba, Vida y Genio

If this video doesn't inspire you to grab your passport and buy a ticket to Spain, nothing will. Valencia needs to produce a video of this caliber to attract visitors. Valencia has countless attraction to capture on film. Put these images to great music and you have a great advertisement for Valencia, a Mediterranean jewel. Because I am a writer I would prefer a video with writing, with dialog. Go out and talk to the people of Valencia and ask them about their city. People here are incredibly passionate about this place, as well they should be. A lot of that passion has rubbed off on me and everyone else who has made Valencia their home. ¡Amunt!

Sayings Coined from the Outrage du Jour

I have a new hobby where I like to invent little sayings borrowing from the media’s outrage du jour, those nasty little bits of non-journalism that create such a furor with the nightly-news viewing audience.  I suppose that I shouldn’t call what they present on television as news but that’s what they call it and I don’t want to confuse anyone. Television news has more in common with America’s Funniest Home Videos than anything remotely resembling reporting. These loathsome reports aren’t minor asides in television news; they represent the raison d’être of popular news. Tabloid journalism is the basis of these broadcasts.

After all, if we can’t wax axiomatic about some profane disregard for humanity—no matter how few people it really affects—then where’s the fun in even bothering with television news? Before the advent of television I’m sure they aired the same intelligence-insulting features on the radio. I regret that the Lindbergh baby kidnapping is a little too distant for me to come up with a snappy quip.  I’ll stick with more recent fodder.

I hear about these outrages du jour secondhand. I don’t watch television news and I don’t live in the USA.  The news in Spain is equally crap but for reasons I’ll have to explain in another post.  If you think my little sayings are contemptibly callous, just remember to blame yourself for watching the “news” in the first place. You won’t read about these non-stories on the front page of The New York Times. Whatever you think of that newspaper I can say that it properly insulates readers from the sewage of modern TV journalism.

The problem is that in the era of the 24 hour news cycle, my references have the shelf life of ripe bananas.  I’ll list these in chronological order going backwards from the present.Only two so far but I can't remember what was in the news two weeks ago. What were we mad at back then?

1)      Beaten like a sadistic judge’s daughter.

2)      Ignored like a dead Chinese baby lying in the middle of the street.

The Mushroom Season that Wasn't

A favored mushroom in Valencia: Rovelló

I was awakened at around 05:30 this morning by a very unfamiliar noise: the sound of rain of the rooftops. We’ve had precious little rain these past several months and not nearly enough.  This morning’s steady rain seems like an attempt to play catch-up in this dry autumn.  I’m afraid that it’s probably too little and too late to salvage this autumn’s mushroom season.  I think we probably needed the rains a few weeks ago to really have a successful year. You can find some species of mushrooms in the market but they are REALLY expensive and only a few select merchants have them for sale. I imagine that they have come from another area of Spain. 

We have had a bit of rain this past week. I’ll make my way over to the market this morning to see what they have to offer. I've been drooling over the thought of a mushroom risotto.

Some good tips on making risotto.

And now to ensure authenticity, another video in Italian:

Living the Dream: The Home Office

a rewrite of one of my first essays here on leftbanker

“I work at home.” I’ve always liked the way that sounds; it’s so casual, so nonchalant. High tech people call it the virtual office, virtual work. After thinking that over I realize I don’t know what that word means so I look it up in the dictionary. Virtual: being so in effect but not in fact. I still don’t know what it means but it sounds easy. I’ll start tomorrow—tomorrow or the day after. I’m not looking to work myself to death here.

08:16 Exactly sixteen minutes late on this first day of working at home. On the bright side I woke up at 08:05—try doing that if you have to drive to the office. I tried it all the time. I promised myself I’d dress as if going to work every day just to be more professional about this whole experiment. I’ll put on something besides a pair of boxers when it’s time for my first break away from the computer. Now I’m just going to concentrate and let the inspiration overwhelm my senses.

08:17 I need a little light in here. I’ll open up the blinds. What are those workmen doing down there? It looks like one of them has climbed down into a hole in the street. I’ve heard stories about people flushing baby pet alligators down the toilet only to have them grow to Amazonian lengths. They stalk the nether worlds of the sewers. But never mind all of that, I have work to do, important ideas to express.

08:31 The workmen are just fixing a water main. It only took a couple minutes out of my hectic day to clear that up—plus it forced me to get dressed. The guys said they had never seen a giant alligator in their years of working beneath the city, but they didn’t rule out the possibility. One of them said he saw a rat building a nest out of car tires. As soon as I get back upstairs I close the lid to the toilet and put a stack of heavy books on top of it. A four iron leans against the sink. Lock and load.

09:21 I can’t get over all of the benefits of working at home. No commute, no distractions from coworkers, no silly Machiavellian games, and if I get drunk and make an ass out of myself at my employee Christmas party, I’ll be the only one to know. On the down side it isn’t much fun stealing office supplies from myself. One more thing that may become a problem: I don’t get paid.

10:11 I had to walk over to the office supply store to buy a new printer cartridge just in case I finish the piece I’m working on. I picked up a few other things for the home office—or for the ‘old Home-O’ as I told the girl at the store. She smiled at me. I’m sure she’s had her fair share of fantasies about freelance writers. What woman hasn’t? I also bought a refrigerator magnet of Mussolini hanging from the gallows. It’s a promotional thing for a new TV show, World’s Funniest Public Executions (airs this fall).

11:24 Time to break for lunch. I like taking lunch early because then I can dedicate the entire afternoon to work, absolutely no distractions, a tabula rasa, which is Latin for “my bootleg cable is out.” I order carry-out from the Thai restaurant next door. I get something healthy. I need to keep my body and senses honed like a razor to make it as a freelance. I also remember that I no longer have health insurance.

11:57 The Thai food was delicious although I did augment it with a little something from my refrigerator. Have you ever noticed that most foods taste better when you add bacon? Even tofu. Especially tofu.

11:58 Now it’s time for a little routine I have developed through years of martial arts training and the study of Eastern thought. I take ten minutes to put myself into a meditative trance, much like sleep but infinitely more beneficial and rewarding. Afterwards I feel refreshed and alert. In the words of my Sensei, “Napping is a tool of the lazy.” I’ll be right back.

3:12 I need to hit Starbucks.

3:33 I must have hit my head on something while in my transcendental state to knock me out cold for over three hours. No more procrastinating, time to buckle down and get some work done. I’ll listen to my favorite radio call-in show while I work.

3:56 I can’t believe they’ve had me on hold for twenty minutes. Don’t they know how valuable my time is?

4:25 I’m a little behind today so I’ll just have to stay past quitting time. It’s not like I’m any stranger to hard work. I wonder how much money I’ll make being a freelance writer. Speaking of money, let me take a second to call my broker.

4:35 Surely he is speaking hyperbolically when he says that if my stock portfolio drops any further, two big guys in bowling shirts will show up at my apartment to rough me up. I’m not worried because by putting pen to paper my money concerns will soon be far behind me. But I’m an artist and I really don’t care about all of the money I will make. Money is the concern of merchants and businessmen. The artist is above all material concerns.

4:48 Just took a few minutes to call some jewelry stores to find out who has the best deal on Rolex watches. Is it still uncool to wear fur coats? OK, back to work. I’ll work into the small hours of the morning if necessary. I guess you could say I’m a workaholic.

5:12 I was just taking a brief look at the newspaper. I read all the box scores, did 1/16 of the crossword (I could have finished it, I’m just too busy), read the comics (man are they stupid), my horoscope (only for losers, but it’s fun to read), any and all articles with the word “sex” in the headline, and finally the movie section. Got to wrap it up for the day; there’s a bargain matinee playing Sunset Boulevard. I’ll finish up the writing thing tomorrow. Tomorrow is Friday and I'm supposed to go skiing. After tomorrow is the weekend, so make that on Monday. Wait, Monday is Arbor Day. Anyone who works on Arbor Day should just go back to Russia or whatever country we’re mad at these days. So make it the day after.