Vindicated!

Romaine lettuce can actually kill you. I win! I hate lettuce. When I first moved to Greece I fell in love with the Greek salad (horiatiki, or peasant salad) because it was lettuce-free. If someone ever serves you Greek salad with lettuce you should throw it in their fat face, although you risk giving them E. coli.

“If you do not know if the lettuce is romaine or whether a salad mix contains romaine, do not eat it and throw it away,” the C.D.C. statement said. “Wash and sanitize drawers or shelves in refrigerators where romaine was stored.”

I’ve never had to put on a hazmat suit to remove a pork product from my fridge. Turns out, my pork rinds are better for me than this leafy, green poison.

In another 500 years or so, some religious group will proscribe lettuce for their adherents, just like Jews did after some poor slob got sick from eating pork. Then they were plagiarized by Muslims 2,000 years later. I’ve always been an atheist, but I could get on board any religion that bans lettuce. Lettuce is useless, both nutritionally and in flavor.