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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Parenting Streamlined

I just thought of an idea for a virtual parenting app on your phone. It would be like auto-pilot for parents. You simply record a series of threats and admonishments in differing tones of voice, from impatient rebukes to full-throttled yelling, with stock phrases like “I’ll give you something to cry about;” or “Put that down;” or “I’m not going to tell you again. I mean it this time;” or “I’m gonna smack you silly, I swear;” or “Dad’s chainsaw is NOT a damn toy;”and, of course, lots of “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, for the love of all that is holy would you please SHUT UP!” in your highest pitch scream. For passive-aggressive parents you could record pleas and begging if you think that stuff works. 

I’m sure it would be easy enough to create an accurate timetable for when kids act up but even if these threats aren’t synchronized with the outbursts of your precious progeny at least the random paroxysms of outrage coming from your phone may keep the little guys on their toes. It would also help you to feel that you're trying just a bit as you sit behind your locked bedroom door with a bottle of wine while binge-watching TV.
The first thing that parents will say to this is that it won’t work. Probably not but neither does the actual talking, squawking, and screaming so at least you won’t have to repeat yourself a thousand times a day.

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