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Friday, June 17, 2016

Top Excuses for Weaseling Out of Work to Watch the USA Copa de América Game



First of all, try not to over-think this too much by feigning some illness you read in a Stephen King novel. Just like back when you were in school it’s better to stick with the tried and true classics. Remember to make the call from home and not in a crowded bar with a bunch of drunks belting out a teary national anthem.  People tell me to DVR it but I’m forced to watch the games in bars because I tell everyone I can't afford a TV. The truth is that my bar bill for the games thus far would be enough to send one of my non-existent children to Yale for four years and we aren't even finished yet. A friend says he’ll watch the game at work on his iPhone which I don’t think is too cool seeing how he drives a school bus—the only job he could get because he’s on probation.

So if you’re looking for an excuse to duck out of work just rely on one of these timeless originals:

1) Diarrhea. This is always a conversation stopper and I guarantee if you use this excuse there won’t be any follow up questions. The only response you’re likely to hear is “Eew!” before they hang up on you.

2) Dead Grandparent. This one is also bullet-proof even if you’ve used it a few times because people don’t know how many grandparents you have in our divorce-prone society.

3) Had to take child to the emergency room. A great one if you have kids but it will elicit a lot of unwanted attention in the form of condolences about your precious baby when you just want to concentrate on the damn game and forget about the little monster for 90 minutes. Seriously, is that asking too much out of life?

4) Play dumb. “What? I had to work today?” Works best if you actually are stupid.

5) Car trouble. For hippies replace “car” with “recumbent bicycle.”

1 comment:

  1. For some reason this is my all-time most viewed post.

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