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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Fatherly Advice from The Godfather

It’s almost impossible to click your mouse these days without hitting on some list of things men are supposed to know. Most of their life tips are completely silly and useless but why would you expect more from some guy on the internet? Instead of heeding the advice of some nobody I sought out the wisdom of a guy a lot of us admire.

1. No body, no crime.

2. Send a hand-written note of apology if you finger your best friend in a plea bargaining deal. You’d expect the same from him if he ratted you out.

3. Don’t be too hasty choosing a prison gang. The Aryan Brotherhood has cool tattoos but the Mexican “La Eme” throws better Christmas parties.

4. Putting two in the back of someone’s head may seem like a cliché way to clip somebody but I guarantee that the mutt you just took care of won’t think that.

5. Remember to stretch before giving someone a beat down so you don’t pull a muscle.

6. The time to learn how to kill a guy with a prison cafeteria tray is not right when you need to kill a guy with a prison cafeteria tray—improvising works in jazz but rarely in a jailhouse assassination.

7. The driver gets to choose the radio station in the getaway car. No arguments!

8. Always wear safety glasses when stuffing some punk in a wood chipper.

9. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies close to an open window on the 10th floor.*

10. Looking good is important so remember to fix your hair after the cops finish pistol whipping you.

*I’m plagiarizing myself with this one but I think that is allowed.

1 comment:

  1. 11. Yes, bags of lime can be added to your expense report. Just list them as "incidentals."


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