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Thursday, February 07, 2013

Painting Over the Fine Line Between Art and Vandalism

(based on a true story)
I hate to be a critic and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but your kid’s artwork is freaking terrible. I doubt this was your intention but if I had an awful picture like that on the door of my refrigerator I’d stop eating. That “Happy Mommy & Daddy & Baby” they were shooting for looks more like a pre-school version of the Manson family.  I know that these days we’re all about building up a kid’s self-esteem but looking at your toddler’s ghastly attempt at representative art is like being forced to view an open wound.

A lot of people would just shut their traps and not say anything about the oeuvre of someone else’s progeny.  I’m sorry but I think that is just cowardly, or passive-aggressive, at best, so I decided to do something about it. I’ve started a company that sells children’s artwork that actually isn’t completely appalling. You can buy one of our works and replace that finger-painted crime scene you have hanging on the wall of your office.  You’ll be doing everyone who enters your work space a huge favor and your kid never comes to visit so they won’t know.  Judging by their work I’d wager that even if the little ones do drop by to visit daddy they probably aren’t bright enough to realize you made the switch.  Do you have any idea how awkward it is for coworkers and clients to look at that trash and not wonder what a lousy parent you must be for allowing your child to pollute the world with their drawings and finger paintings?  You wouldn’t allow your kid to go around lighting fires so stop letting him spill paint everywhere.

All of our paintings are done by trained professionals working within age-appropriate boundaries so that you can make your orders according to your age-specific needs. We offer a range of quality starting at simply acceptable drawings that you won’t be ashamed of and won’t lead others to think that your kid suffers from some crippling mental illness.  The quality goes up from, “Wow, your kid isn’t half-bad” to people thinking you have a little Picasso living under your roof who shares your DNA. We guarantee that friends and relatives will no longer use adjectives like “disturbing” and “eyesore” or “Yikes!” when they talk about your child’s work.

Help us help you to keep it a secret that your child doesn’t have a shred of talent in the art department. Or you can keep taping atrocious crap on your refrigerator which only gives the kids the message that their stuff actually pleases you when we both know that is pretty far from the truth.


  1. John, you totally drew that, because you secretly lust to have a family of your own.

  2. Possibly, but not as much as people with families fantasize about being single. I actually have some kid art on my fridge but I didn't want to use it because I didn't want to offend the artist.

  3. Steve Martin became a father at 67, and you are twice as smart and half the prick he is.


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