Where is The French Revolution When You Need it?

After three attempts at watching the first episode of Downton Abbey I’ve thrown in the towel; I’m just too much of a republican. At the beginning when the rich assholes of the manor are ringing for the servants to come wipe their asses or whatever service they require I was already fantasizing about answering a bell or two myself, armed with a tire iron. Take heed Americans: the best reason to tax the hell out of inheritance is to pave the way for a meritocracy instead of insuring a ruling class of inbred fools (George W Bush comes to mind). The world would be a much better place if everyone had to clean their own toilet every day just to remind us that at the core we are all filthy beasts.

All Men Are Created Equal. I believe in that.

The Stacked Deck of TV

“The great nineteenth-century novels were famous for their cliffhangers, and many people associate the form with Charles Dickens, who wrote serial novels so complex, yet so rewarding, that one might even say they resemble “The Wire.”

…Yet the iconic cliffhanger derives not from Dickens but from “A Pair of Blue Eyes,” a little-known novel by Thomas Hardy, which was published in fifteen installments in Tinsley’s Magazine, in 1873.”

-Emily Nussbaum, The New Yorker

Most people already know that episodic television has been really kicking the crap out of feature movies for the past decade when it comes to quality programming.  Next month at the Academy Awards the movie people will pat each other on the back and give out prizes for a year of completely mediocre films and performances. They should be ashamed of themselves and their half-assed efforts when you consider how television has been cranking out fantastic shows week after week after week. Who among us would sacrifice a single episode of Breaking Bad for whatever is handed the Oscar as Best Movie this year?

House of Cards is yet another entry into the foray of great television, or at least great in comparison to what’s playing at the local cinema, but you could say that about The Brady Bunch. Once again we have an episodic TV program with the production values of feature films and, with the exception of the two principals (Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright), a host of great new actors.

Hollywood is dead. Long live Hollywood!

Pope & Guns

Facebook Rescue Effort

Something that was posted on Facebook.

20 Pick-up Lines for Runners via Run The Edge

1. Dang it! My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today but then I saw you!
2. What’s your PR (Personal Record)? If you go out with me, you will be mine!
3. You can stop chasing your dreams. I am right here.
4. Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
5. You run like DSL. How can I get high-speed access?
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, would you mind if I ran with you?
7. Do you know karate? ‘Cause you have a great finishing kick!

Totally gruesome, I know.  They didn’t get any better so I spared you the other 13. Perhaps we can save these if we change the format a bit. How about this?

Misogynist, Unwelcomed, and Completely Inappropriate Pick-Up Lines from a Guy with a Thick Foreign Accent on Your Jog

1) You have good body because of running but if we marry and have many childrens you every day work 10 hours for to plow fields better than make jogging. It promise.

2) In Soviet Union I also have sport girl woman just like you but Svetlana really man, not woman, who throw shot put many meters and cook best soup ever tasted.

3) Running with erection in pants difficult, almost impossible but I make exception for you until pepper spray too painful for me continue.

4) You run from me but I stalk you now many days and I know address where you living. You like go to cinema?

5) You not need running short shorts for look too many beautiful.  More beautiful in burka at back of mosque. Please not to talk when Imam condemn Great Satan America.

Painting Over the Fine Line Between Art and Vandalism

(based on a true story)

{RAISE YOUR HANDS AND STEP AWAY FROM THE CRAYONS!} 

I hate to be a critic and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but your kid’s artwork is freaking terrible. I doubt this was your intention but if I had an awful picture like that on the door of my refrigerator I’d stop eating. That “Happy Mommy & Daddy & Baby” they were shooting for looks more like a pre-school version of the Manson family.  I know that these days we’re all about building up a kid’s self-esteem but looking at your toddler’s ghastly attempt at representative art is like being forced to view an open wound.

A lot of people would just shut their traps and not say anything about the oeuvre of someone else’s progeny.  I’m sorry but I think that is just cowardly, or passive-aggressive, at best, so I decided to do something about it. I’ve started a company that sells children’s artwork that actually isn’t completely appalling. You can buy one of our works and replace that finger-painted crime scene you have hanging on the wall of your office.  You’ll be doing everyone who enters your work space a huge favor and your kid never comes to visit so they won’t know.  Judging by their work I’d wager that even if the little ones do drop by to visit daddy they probably aren’t bright enough to realize you made the switch.  Do you have any idea how awkward it is for coworkers and clients to look at that trash and not wonder what a lousy parent you must be for allowing your child to pollute the world with their drawings and finger paintings?  You wouldn’t allow your kid to go around lighting fires so stop letting him spill paint everywhere.

All of our paintings are done by trained professionals working within age-appropriate boundaries so that you can make your orders according to your age-specific needs. We offer a range of quality starting at simply acceptable drawings that you won’t be ashamed of and won’t lead others to think that your kid suffers from some crippling mental illness.  The quality goes up from, “Wow, your kid isn’t half-bad” to people thinking you have a little Picasso living under your roof who shares your DNA. We guarantee that friends and relatives will no longer use adjectives like “disturbing” and “eyesore” or “Yikes!” when they talk about your child’s work.

Help us help you to keep it a secret that your child doesn’t have a shred of talent in the art department. Or you can keep taping atrocious crap on your refrigerator which only gives the kids the message that their stuff actually pleases you when we both know that is pretty far from the truth.

Dionne Warwick and Celia Cruz

Finding this amazing recording of two of my favorites, Dionne Warwick and Celia Cruz, could be called the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. In Spanish “descubimiento inesperado y favorable.” Also known as serendipity in English. Youtube isn't always a total waste of time; I've learned a lot about cooking there so it's more than just really stupid videos that people post on Facebook.

Do You Know the Way to San José

by Hal David and Burt Bacharach 

Do you know the way to San Jose?
I've been away so long. I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose.

L.A. is a great big freeway.
Put a hundred down and buy a car.
In a week, maybe two, they'll make you a star
Weeks turn into years. How quick they pass
And all the stars that never were
Are parking cars and pumping gas

Do you know the way to San Jose?
They've got a lot of space. there'll be a place where I can stay
I was born and raised in San Jose
I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose.

Fame and fortune is a magnet.
It can pull you far away from home
With a dream in your heart you're never alone.
Dreams turn into dust and blow away
And there you are without a friend
You pack your car and ride away

I've got lots of friends in San Jose
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Can't wait to get back to San Jose.