Hazardous to Your Health

You really have to watch what you say and do these days. People can be touchy…touchy and obscenely violent...touchy and obscenely violent and—in many cases—armed to the teeth. Before you do something you can’t undo, or you open your fat pie hole and get yourself into a world of hurt that a team of surgeons can’t undo, take the time to answer these questions.  Decide which choice presents the least risk and then try to avoid both options:

1)      Mistakenly wandering into the snack food aisle at Wal-Mart, or running with the bulls in Pamplona?

2)      Asking the waitress, “Can I get bacon on that?” in a crowded vegan restaurant, or blaspheming the prophet Mohammed in a Saudi Arabian mosque?

3)      Buying your teenager (who probably owns a firearm) anything less than an iPhone or Blackberry, or cutting the wrong wire while defusing a car bomb?

4)      Hinting to a group of Tea Party members that Ronald Reagan probably wasn’t some sort of divinity, or admitting that you don’t know what NASCAR stands for while having a beer in a bar in the American south?

5)      Bad-mouthing vampire movies around a group of adolescent girls, or insulting Woody Allen next to a table of south Florida retirees?

6)      Entering the Paris-Dakar rally on a moped, or offering to carpool in your Mini Cooper to your Weight Watchers meetings?

7)      Standing between a priest and a group of altar boys in the shower, or getting caught between a mother grizzly and her cubs while you’re carrying 25 pounds of raw hamburger?

8)      Shooting your way out of a Taliban ambush, or being stuck in an elevator for two hours with a group of off-their-meds Jehovah’s Witnesses?

9)      Being forced to watch television without basic cable for three days straight, or living without a TV for three whole days?

10)   Listening to the Titanic theme at least once a day for the rest of your life, or having to say at least once a day to random people that it’s your favorite song?