Good in Bed

You may be asking yourself, “Am I good in bed?” The answer is probably “no.” Actually, in your case the answer is definitely and unequivocally “no” and possibly even "hell no" which is why you should keep reading.

To accurately determine your sexual performance you need to break down “Good in Bed” into its three components and what those individual components mean. “Good” can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Say someone had been trapped under earthquake rubble for three weeks without food or water.  If you offered this person a half-eaten microwave burrito you found under your car seat they would undoubtedly say it was good. It is all in the perception. If your own sexual technique is the moral equivalent of a half-eaten burrito found under a car seat then all you have to do is work on how you are perceived. There is probably an easier way to do this than bury your partner under a collapsed building for three weeks, but a better method doesn’t readily come to mind. Make sure to feed his/her cat while they are gone.

Next there is the whole “bed” thing. Maybe you are good in places other than a bed? Perhaps your prowess can only be appreciated outside the stifling confines of the sleeping chamber. Probably not but I’m just saying this to be polite. As you get older you learn the hard way that a nice soft bed is about the only sane place to wrestle while undressed. Sure, you were a lot more spontaneous in your youth, but the last time you had sex in the kitchen you fell on the utensil drawer and then had go to the emergency room to have a melon baller surgically removed from your lower intestinal track. As the doctor asked how this happened all you could think was, “I have a melon baller? Cool!” Just remember to wash it.

Finally there is the word “In.” Let’s be honest here; if you are somehow expecting a simple preposition to validate your miserable sexual performance then you are worse off than any of us ever imagined. To be perfectly honest I think you are doing it all wrong. There is probably a book you can read on the subject but it's probably too late; any change in your routine would just frighten your partner.  In your case I think the most sensible solution is to just give up.