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Friday, April 17, 2009

Me Versus Them

Well, it’s that time of year again people. It’s time for the annual pledge drive to support my youth ministries around the world. Any donation that you can make will be greatly appreciate by me and the tens of thousands of children in over 40 countries who are a part of my effort to spread the word of our lord, Jesus H. Christ, Jr.

If you want to know why I wrote that load of shit it’s because I just did a Google search of my name and someone with my name is an ordained minister and has something to do with some sort of youth ministries, whatever the fuck that is. I've always thought "youth ministries" sounded funny, funny and sinister. The bad news—for him—is that he shares a name with a guy who writes wise-ass essays on the internet, and my name comes up first on the list. I’m sure he is called on to explain to his brethren that he isn’t the guy penning a bunch of profane and blasphemous articles. Sorry, padre.

Another guy who shares my name is a “wealth adviser.” Once again, whatever the fuck that means. I guess you could also say that I am a wealth adviser because I am constantly advising people to get wealthy, the sooner the better. Unfortunately, few of my friends have bothered to follow this sage advice and I am forced to pay my own bar tab, freaking bunch of unambitious lose-oids. The truth is that I’d much rather be a wealth spender than a wealth adviser. I think I’d be good at that. I think that is my true calling in this life, just going around spending wealth in creative ways, mostly having to do with booze, mild drugs, and prostitution Oh man, is the reverend ever going to get pissed when he has to explain to his followers that he didn’t write this. I almost feel sorry for the guy. Come to think of it, the wealth adviser guy probably will have some explaining to do if any of his clients think that he is responsible for this essay.

Maybe I could get paid by everyone who shares my name by not writing vulgar and blasphemous essays on the internet. I’m sure it would make his eminence’s life a lot easier if he wasn’t constantly being forced to convince his flock that he didn’t write an essay about the Pope being almost dead. Actually, just a brief glance at what I have written lately would be enough for his Excellency to realize that an essay about an almost-dead pope is the least of his worries. And let’s be honest, I don’t care if the guy has a Nobel Prize in economics, any wealth adviser sharing my name has a tough row to hoe with prospective clients if they ever bother to search his name on the web. All that I am suggesting is that these people pay me a monthly fee to stop dragging their good names through the dirt. Names and reputations they have worked hard to cultivate. I don’t think this is blackmail; I’d simply stop doing what I am doing, something that although it may be thoroughly tasteless and vulgar, is nonetheless perfectly legal. Cash only, please.

P.S. I saw a little Spanish girl between 4-5 years old moving a soccer ball down the street by smacking it with her doll which she was gripping by one foot. There's a metaphor or something in that.