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Friday, July 29, 2005

Urban Survival Guide

What if you are walking along a sunny path in a local park when you notice a guy rollerblading towards you clad only in a Speedo® swimsuit, sometimes referred to as a “banana hammock?” Although it is the most effective method, there isn’t always time to stretch a piece of piano wire, neck-high across the path. Maybe he isn't listening to Cher on his headphones. Maybe the “fruit-booter” won’t bust some roller disco moves right in front of you, but why take any chances? What if he tries to do the splits? My urban survival guide will teach you how to make napalm out of common household items.

For only $28.95 you will learn secrets that, until now, were shared only by Israeli intelligence agents and bargain-happy, senior citizens. My guide will teach you to kill an attacker with an apple core, and help you save money on your monthly food bill. “Clip coupons and kick ass” is the motto of my guide.

Imagine this scenario. You are in line at the movie rental place and there is an incredibly attractive woman behind you. You don’t have time to replace the dumb movie you are about to rent with some foreign classic in order to impress her. Learn how to wait until just the right moment to ask the clerk about their Ingmar Bergman collection so he forgets to shout out, “Thank you, I hope you enjoy Sister Act II, due back by Friday.” If the beautiful woman does notice your poor taste in movies, tell her that you heard that if you play Sister Act II and Guns & Roses Appetite for Destruction at the same time, they are synchronized (only try this approach if she looks like a stoner). If she doesn’t buy that story, say that the movie is hilarious if you switch the language to Mandarin Chinese (probably true, but anything would be an improvement).

Say you are walking down a deserted street when you notice a gauntlet of crack addicts and street people who look like they are capable of nickel and dime-ing you half to death. Before they pounce, learn how to turn the tables on them by masquerading as one of those annoying Green Peace volunteers. Ask them if they’d like to fill out a questionnaire testing their knowledge of the environment. This is a more effective way to clear your path than a sawed-off shotgun.

To stretch your food budget, eat as many free samples at the grocery store as you possibly can. If the clerk politely asks you to move along, go to the kids aisle and come back disguised as a pirate or a princess, and continue eating. This isn’t a very dignified strategy, but those little meatballs on toothpicks are delicious. And they are free. “Free” is the most beautiful word in the English language. “Free drink” is more beautiful, but that’s two words.

If your luck with women could use a turn for the better, my guide can get you back on track. Right after you tell the woman at the bar what it is you do for a living, interrupt her bored stupor by adding that your dumb job is the secret identity of the crime-fighting superhero that is your full-time gig. Be sure to have a stock story prepared about how your parents were killed by villains, and how you gained your superpowers by taking a radioactive bong hit in college. This technique may sound preposterous, but let’s face it; your reproductive strategy is severely flawed and anything is worth trying at this point.

Do you want to save thousands of dollars every year? Date a meter maid. Sure, meter maids are notorious for their sadomasochism. Yes, you’ll have to take a severe beating regularly while having the whole sordid affair video taped, but the benefits of never getting a parking ticket far outweigh any physical and mental abuse you’ll have to endure. I don’t know about you, but I would consent to be bound, gagged, and dragged naked behind a meter maid cart for an entire 8-hour shift if it meant never having to worry about finding a parking space ever again. That would be better than having a credit card and never getting a bill.

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