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Saturday, July 09, 2005

Skanks and the City

This essay is going to be just like Sex and the City, except instead of watching it, you read it. That’s one strike against me because reading is hard for lots of people. Other than that minor difference this will be just like the TV show. Come on, it will be fun.

So there are these four whores. What? No, calling them whores isn’t being mean. Cool, New York City girls always call each other whores. So these four skanks are out shopping and one of them tells the others that she has a really rich new boyfriend. They all high-five each other and then they go out to lunch and bring along their pet homosexuals. If you are a hip New York City woman and you don’t have a pet homosexual to take along with you so that he can bark out clever and slightly vulgar witticisms, you don’t know what you are missing. you can dress them up in colorful little sweaters just like designer dogs and if anyone criticizes this behavior you can call them homophobic.

Have you ever noticed that women always go to the bathroom in pairs? Do you know why do they do that? It’s so one of them can hold back Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair as she pukes up $65 worth of sushi—and you thought that eating disorders went out with acid-washed jeans. I can only imagine that the wasabi tickles on the way back out. At least now she has room for more apple martinis.

Skanks and the City is so empowering. I love that word. I wish that I had been the bird-brain sociologist who coined it in the first place. I also love the word “impact” used as a verb, as in, “Skanks and the City has impacted the female community with a new sense of empowerment.” That’s two made-up words in one sentence; I feel like I should have my own talk show. But let’s get back to the whole empowering thing. These four skanks have shown women that they are free to be just as moronic as men when it comes to relationships, dating, and casual sex. I don’t know if it really works that way, but you can go out shopping after you get cleaned up.

And shopping is what it is really all about in this life—at least that’s the way it has been defined for us in these early years of the 21st century. The most important things are looking good and buying shit. If you look good enough someone will surely buy you shit, and if you buy enough shit you will look good. Am I right or am I right?

I hear that there is a wonderful new plastic surgery procedure that allows doctors to remove parts of your brain and use the tissue to make your tits or pec muscles bigger. I love seeing a ninety year old woman with nice jugs. That’s so cool. Doctors can also remove men’s pride, decency, and self-respect to create new hair follicles. Why would anyone worry about the future when science is capable of miracles like these?

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