Advertising Genius

Perhaps instead of writing humor I should try my hand at advertising? It seems like much of what makes up the world of advertising these days is people trying to make other people feel inadequate. The message that I see in a lot of commercials and print ads is that the human body is revolting, and you need to buy a whole lot of products to keep from being quite as revolting as the next guy. I think that my juvenile sense of humor would be a tremendous asset for those looking to market anti-perspirant, mouthwash, deodorant, acne medication, dandruff shampoo, and all other products that try to undo the vile discharges of humanity.

A life-long wise-ass seems like the perfect candidate to usher in new advertising campaigns that taunt people for driving anything less than the biggest SUV on the planet. My extensive experience in mockery seems like the perfect resume for those looking to convince young men that they will never get laid unless they drink a particular brand of light beer that tastes just like regular beer with a lot of water added.

On the other hand, I know that I’m not smart or funny enough to brainwash consumers into believing that a certain brand of paper towels will make their wives boobs bigger. My humor isn’t adequately cynical to make people believe that there is any difference between laundry detergents. Even to think that you can make people care about such mundane products as soap or plastic wrap takes a certain amount of genius and audacity.

One of my favorite games to play is to pick up a magazine off of the rack at random. I page through the ads until I have created a perfect life. It usually takes less than about four ads to come up with a perfect family, pet, house, job, automobile, and whatever else “perfect” means to the average person. If all of those ads were my doing I’m sure that I’d find a way to screw up the American dream.

In the SUV ad I would have the personalized license plate read: SMLDICK. The license plate in the sexy sports car ad would be NODICK. I would go totally overboard on the use of homoeroticism to market products for the homophobic. I would love to make a light beer commercial that shows a male fashion model ogling a female fashion model sitting across the bar while he is drinking a light beer and getting a blow job under the table from one of his buddies.

How about a middle-aged fat guy getting gang raped by a team of professional basketball cheerleaders because he uses a certain brand of toilet paper to wipe his big butt? Do you think that would move some units? If sex sells, then god damn it, let’s have some sex. Let’s use so much sex that we will embarrass 60 year old German men who go to Thailand twice a year for sex tours. Let’s make toothpaste ads so graphic that porn moguls won’t allow their children to watch them. If the business of America is business, I say it’s time we stop messing around and really get down to business.

Weren’t we all taught that if you are going to do something, do it right? If you’re trying to make people feel inadequate, then why not make them feel grotesquely inadequate? Let parents know that if they aren’t willing to fork over $100 for a pair of sneakers that their child will grow out of in three months then they may as well put their kid in a weighted sack and throw them off a bridge. Your kid sits at the bottom of the river just because you wouldn’t buy him a pair of $100 sneakers made in some slave-labor camp in China. Are you happy now? You make me sick.

Come to think of it, I’d probably hire me.

References Upon Request