Nothing Funny About Gun Control?

WASHINGTON – As the clock counts down on the decade-old ban on selling and buying assault weapons, gun manufacturers’ phones have been ringing off the hook. “People are excited. They’ve been waiting for this for a long time,” said one gun maker.

Who are these people who get “excited” about guns? Do they love guns? If you love guns then I guess it’s safe to say you are a gun nut. Excuse me; can you please point your laser sight somewhere else besides in my face? What is that you say? It isn’t loaded? Yes, we are all Americans and as an American it will soon be our legal right, once again, to own AK-47’s, a TEC-9 handguns, and Street Sweeper shotguns. I’m sure the gun fanatic people are all law abiding citizens, if by law abiding you mean that they have never been caught. After they get these new assault weapons you can bet that if they are ever caught they will never be taken alive.

Liberals say that there is no need for these weapons, that they serve no purpose for hunters or sport shooters. No purpose? Have you ever been rabbit hunting? Let me tell you something about rabbits. There is nothing in nature more dangerous than a wounded rabbit. A wounded rabbit will keep coming at you. A wounded rabbit will never quit, ever. Maybe a thrill seeker like you would want to take insane risks by using a standard hunting rifle but when I’m out for rabbits I want a Colt AR-15 with a 30 round magazine and a MAC-10 in my holster just for back-up. I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing that grenade launchers will be legal once again.

Even if you do put down a rabbit with your wimpy firearm there are other dangers out there. While you are patting yourself on the back for the fine shot you made and reloading, you could be attacked by other members of the rodent family. With my Galil assault rifle I can take out everything in a fifty meter perimeter around the rabbit. Weasels, squirrels, chipmunks, gophers, ground hogs, you name and I’ll make sure they are neutralized. Children play in these woods; doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Assault weapons with folding stocks, flash suppressors, bayonet mounts, over-sized magazines, protruding pistol grips, and grenade launchers will make our parks safe once again for all of us. This past decade we have conceded our forests to the rodents. People like me have been too terrified to enter any wooded area. Hell, I won’t even leave the house these days. The liberals haven’t given us the fire power necessary to defend ourselves. That is all going to change tonight at midnight when the Assault Weapon ban expires. It’s going to be open season on a menace that has had all of us bent over a proverbial stump with our pants around our ankles since the Crime Bill passed in 1994. It’s time to stand up, pull up our pants, and take aim on these sodomizing vermin. The good news is that with an assault weapon you don’t need to aim, just point and spray, and like they say in the NRA literature, “Let God sort them out.”

Too good for the comments box;

I think I'm figuring out something about the American male psyche, Lefty: The appearance of function - often comically exagerrated - is more important than function itself.

So the entirely functional, cheap and rugged Jeep is replaced by the expensive, too-big-for-that-alleyway Hummer. Fit, attractive- but small-breasted - women are ignored while their sisters sporting gravity-defying plastic boobs straight out of a Warner Bros. cartoon get ogled mercilessly.

So how, Lefty, in that climate of excess can you expect to defend your home and property with something as unmanly as a .38 revolver? You can't. The way to protect the ones you love and the stuff you love even more is - as Hollywood has instructed us over and over again - to strip to the waist, oil up your torso and mount the porch of your house with a howitzer barrel cradled in your ropy forearm, spewing a barrel flame the size of a kerosene-dipped flaming cat every time you pull the trigger.

Kevin M.