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Saturday, September 11, 2004

Finding Your Inner Child


I love kids. I always have. I love kids but I’m going to tell you something about them that is going to freak you out. I am going to tell you something about your children that will rock the very foundation of the way in which young people are perceived in this country. Here is the secret: Little kids see dead people. It’s true; I saw it in a movie.

Think about that the next time you see one of those “cute” yellow school buses drive by packed with “cute” kids. Study their faces as they look out at the world. All this time you have thought that the kids on the bus were making crazy faces at you. That’s what kids do, right? Wrong. Kids are making crazy faces because they are freaked the fuck out over the zombie that is walking beside you that you can’t see but they can.

All this time we as adults have assumed that kids have these wonderful imaginations that makes them do the wild things that kids do. That isn’t it at all. Watch a group of kids playing and try to envision the living dead that surround them. You’d be doing wild and imaginative things, too, if you were side-stepping creatures from beyond the grave. Where ever you find irrational, erratic behavior, brain-dead, flesh-eating zombies are not far away.

Why do you think that kids cry for no reason? Do you think it might be because of the dead guy walking next to you holding a severed limb? Seeing something like that might upset me if I could see it. Have you ever noticed that kids never run in a straight line? That would be because they are dodging the zombies—a fun game if you don’t have a problem with zombies. Personally they give me the creeps and I’ve never even seen one.

I don’t ever remember seeing dead people when I was a kid so I don’t know if this is a relatively new phenomenon of if we just forget about it when we get older. Maybe we just block it out of our memories like other bad things from childhood, like being an obnoxious little shit for about ten solid years. I vaguely remember being an obnoxious little smart-ass, I just don’t recall many of the details.

There is supposed to be some way that you can cure kids so they stop seeing dead people, but I walked out of the movie early like I always do if I’m bored and don’t feel like investing two hours in a dumb story. It is kind of like how most of you haven’t kept reading this far. It is a real time saver just to stop some activity that is a total waste of your time which is why I always leave the best for last in my essays. You cold stop reading but then you’d miss it. I won’t be doing that today because this is the end.

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