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Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Get a Room!


There they are, right across from you, a not-very-good-looking middle aged couple who act like they just learned how to make out. You can try to ignore them but they are right there. At times like these I wish that I had a little weapon that I think might pull the couple apart. At times like these you need a curious seven year old kid. Little kids are totally shameless about staring at people.

Some woman was downtown shopping the other day in a wheel chair. She had some sort of funky erector set contraption holding her head up, but I didn’t get a good look at it because I politely looked away. Not this little boy who was a few feet from his parents. Unrestrained by adult concepts of politeness he allowed himself a good long look. Hell, he could have drawn diagrams. He was staring at the woman so intently that you could practically see the thought balloon above his head saying, “What the fuck!”

I wish I had that kid now because I would have him go over to the humping couple, stand two feet away, and stare a hole through them. Maybe a little kid staring right at them, along with a few poignant little kid questions (Mister, why your finger there?) would be enough to encourage the endless-love couple to get a room.

You can never find an obnoxious little kid when you really need one so the four of us will just sit here and try to enjoy our dinner. “I wonder how many weeks before the election the Republicans will pull Osama bin Laden out of their hat or decide to put Saddam Hussein on trial...Oh for the love of God, I wish someone would turn a hose on those two. GET A ROOM!”

The plates are cleared and we finish our wine. We’ve been here for over an hour and the humping couple was going at it before we sat down. They are still going at it. The only explanation for their behavior is that maybe he took one of her estrogen pills by mistake. Here they are making out, waiting for his Viagra to kick in but instead he is growing breasts or whatever it is that estrogen does for men. If we listened closely we would probably hear him saying things like, “Nope, I still don’t feel a thing, nada, zilch.” But they persevere--these two are not quitters.

Somehow you think that if they did have a room their actions wouldn’t get beyond PG-13 standards so they are just saving themselves a few bucks by making themselves a public nuisance. We finally get up to leave and they are still doing their impersonation of a coed hockey fight.

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