Household Hints

In this stressed-out, over-booked, over-worked, under-paid, short-handed, terrorist-infested world in which we live, we could all use a little help around the house. I have a few secrets of my own that I would like to share with you today that I’m sure will save you money and may very well save your life.

Nobody likes a dirty kitchen, although, from the looks of mine, I think it is fairly safe to say that I don’t like a dirty kitchen less than the average person doesn’t like a dirty kitchen. In fact, I have come to a sort of truce--a peaceful coexistence, if you will--with the forces that are responsible for kitchen dirty-ness. I wouldn’t want any daughter of mine to marry one of their kind, but we are able to live together in the same, small, inner-city apartment. A dirty kitchen seems to me like a really awful house guest, and I just don’t have the heart to ask him to leave.

This isn’t to say that I have completely given up on kitchen cleanliness. A week ago I cooked a big Mexican meal. I used every pot and pan in my very ample store of kitchen stuff. On top of that I cooked with a bunch of other objects around the house that are probably only meant to be ornamental. The next day the devastation was so thorough that police investigators theorized that someone had set off a C4 explosive charge wrapped with tamales.

It took some doing but I cleaned up the mess that the Mexican terrorists had inflicted on my kitchen. Then I got an idea. I thought to myself that maybe I shouldn’t invite the Mexican in me to come over and cook a huge meal. The next time the French chef impersonating me comes to the door with a bag of groceries, I'll pretend that I'm not home. Having a multiple personality disorder is really only a problem if you let one of them cook. Unfortunately, none of my multiple personalities is the obsessive-compulsive cleaning type.

Here is my amazing discovery: If you don’t cook then your kitchen doesn’t get fucked up. Inside my refrigerator I now only have a Britta water filter and half a bottle of Ketel One vodka. I don’t even have any mixer for the vodka that I could spill on the floor. Drunk and hungry isn’t the worst way to go through life. If you want to get rid of an unwanted house guest, just empty out the fridge (and hide the vodka).