Don't Quote Me on That

If Ben Franklin made a fortune off a stupid aphorism like “A stitch in time saves nine” then I think I can come up with a memorable quip that will put me on easy street. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even know what Ben was talking about. I don’t know if that makes it easier or more difficult for me to hit the jackpot in the quotation industry.

How about Shakespeare? He got famous for some pretty weak observations. “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Or maybe that was Tennyson. I might take exception to that one. Wouldn’t you rather have been born without a hand than to have your hand cut off in an industrial mishap? It probably doesn’t hurt like fuck to be born without a hand; I can only assume that there is no such thing as a painless saw mill accident. My advice to you, Mister LORD Tennyson, is that you shouldn’t try and peddle your lies in a lumber town—too many guys missing body parts.

So now that I have debunked two of history’s top quoticians (quoters?) all I need to do is come up with a couple of my own. I want my quotes to be useful, to have meaning in this era of technology. I just thought of one:

Buy as many pairs of the same color of dress socks as you can so when you immediately lose a few you won’t get angry and punch a hole in the laundry room wall.

Ok, so it’s not very catchy, but it makes total sense to me, and no one lost a major appendage at the lumber yard. Let me try again.

Always put your keys in the bowl on the bookshelf by the door so when you come home shit-faced you won’t put them some place really stupid--like in a drawer in the kitchen--and then have to spend the next day hung-over looking for them.

So maybe Shakespeare had something with that “Brevity is the soul of wit” bit, but it won’t help you find your keys. I need something nice and short. Someone else already came up with “No Fat Chicks.” You just know that guy made a fortune off that one. This is harder than I thought.

Return movies on time so you won’t have to pay late fees.

That one really sucked but I wasn’t ready. Don’t rush me, and when you just stare at me like that I get nervous. I just can’t do this with you right here. Why don’t you just put a gun to my head? Step outside and have a smoke or something.

If you try to force it out you might strain something, something might tear or rip. You could burst a blood vessel. You have to be perfectly relaxed. If you think about it too much it won’t come out, either. Try to think of something else, something pleasant. When nothing comes out you get frustrated and feel backed-up. I don’t plan on blowing a bowel just to get stinking rich writing witty one-liners. I’ll finish this later. Does anyone have a magazine I can borrow?