Almost Talentless

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I never learned how to ride a wheelie on my bike. I am constantly being humiliated by hot shots who ride by me on one wheel. They can barely contain their contempt for a rider who chooses to have both tires planted firmly on terra firma. I’m sure that they are smirking at me, but I’m too busy staring down at the ground in shame to take note of their derision. And don’t even bother with the “it’s never too late to learn” crap. It’s no use; I can’t do it.

I don’t think it’s asking too much out of this life to be able to pull a wheelie for a few feet. It’s not like I’m out to perform in the circus or like I asked God to make me taller. I was about nine years old when I came to the horrible realization that I would never make it in the wheelie department, not in this life. That’s just about the exact same age that I decided that I was an atheist. You do the math and come to your own conclusions as to the reason for my split with the church. And don’t try to sell me that “you’ll be able to pull wheelies in heaven” shit. Show me where it says that in the Bible or the Koran or the Book of Mormon. Actually, the Book of Mormon has an entire chapter devoted to the issue of wheelies in heaven, but you have to ride one of those dorky Mormon bikes with no gears and a bell on the handlebars. No thanks, and I don’t care how many wives you dangle in front of me.

And please spare me the “God has given you other talents” lecture because I just don’t care. What am I supposed to do the next time some bike messenger stud rolls by me on a wheelie? Do you think that if I yell at him that I can play some of the Goldberg Variations on the piano that I will somehow feel more like a man?

And speaking of not feeling like a man, have any of you guys ever been on a date and the woman you are with has to hail the cab because you can’t do one of those ear-splitting whistles where you put two fingers in your mouth and she can? It takes about a wheelbarrow full of Viagra and a case of Pabst to make me feel like a man after something like that.

“No one said that life is fair.” You know what, I’d like to find the guy who said that life isn’t fair and kick the living shit out of him for making such a grotesque understatement, because if you can’t pull a wheelie, or whistle so loudly that it makes ears bleed, then life is a hell of a lot worse than unfair, it is unspeakably cruel. What about hell? I’m so scared (insert sarcastic sneer). Don’t try to threaten me with eternal damnation, because it is hard to frighten a guy who has spent his entire life riding a bike with both wheels on the ground and not whistling very loudly.